Pitch Libs

Recently, Ruth Bates filed a lawsuit against her old boss, Kansas City Mayor Mark Funkhouser, his wife, Gloria Squitiro, and the city of Kansas City. In it, Bates accuses Squitiro of making sexually charged remarks and racially insensitive comments. One example: “I hope they don’t throw hot tamales at us” before an event in the largely Hispanic Westside.

Once the local media pack got their hands on the lawsuit, it was time for some bleepin’. The Department of Burnt Ends was amused by other reporters’ attempts to dance around the vulgar language and awkward situations alleged in the suit. The best example we saw was when KSHB Channel 41 illustrated its story with this censor-friendly graphic: “Tell him to take his ___ out of her ___ and come to the phone.”

The Department of Burnt Ends is bound by no such limits of journalistic convention. The uncensored quote alleged in the lawsuit: “Squitiro made remarks in the office such as, ‘Tell him to take his dick out of her ass and come to the phone.'”

Watching our media colleagues struggle with how to cover the story, it occurred to us that lawsuit excerpts would make a perfect version of Squitiro Mad Libs. Cut it out, play along and send us your page! The best entry wins a box of Hot Tamales.

Click the image below for a printable PDF and play Pitch Libs at home.

Real lawsuit excerpts: Squitiro is in the office daily and has a desk and usually is there a normal working day in length and has an official city e-mail address. Squitiro constantly made crude sexual remarks in the office. These sexual remarks include, but are not limited to, the following: Squitiro made the comments to Plaintiff, “I bet you’d like a good nine inches in you.” Squitiro told a male worker in the office that he must have had some night last night with Ruth, implying that he had had a sexual liaison with Plaintiff. Squitiro referred to the men in the office by calling them, “Lover.” Squitiro made the comment when she got wet one time, “Do you want to blow on my ass?” Gloria Squitiro refers to three men in her office as her “boys” and invites them to her house for meetings. Squitiro made another sexual comment in front of employees concerning a male worker in the Mayor’s office, stating, when asked if she wanted a “little thing for her little thing” (meaning her newsletter), replying, “I want a big thing for my little thing” (implying a sexual act). When an employee complained to Squitiro about her sexual comments, she replied that she was the only fun person in the office.

Categories: News