Pitch Forks
HE WAS HOPING FOR A MÉNAGE À TROIS …
Singer Melissa Etheridge revealed that the father of her two children with partner Julie Cypher is veteran rock star David Crosby and that the pregnancy resulted from artificial insemination. Both children were excited to learn that they might grow up to be lesbian drug addicts with chronic health problems. — Robert Bishop
TAKE THAT SPRINT AND MCI …
In the largest media merger in history, America Online is buying Time Warner Inc. “This merger will launch the next Internet revolution,” America Online Chairman Steve Case said. Although Case was optimistic about obtaining access to Time Warner’s network of cable TV lines, he admitted that viewers attempting to tune in during the peak viewing period known as prime time would often be greeted by a busy signal. — Andrew Miller
WORKING HARD TO ELEMINATE FAMINE, PESTILENCE, AND SONY …
The merger of America Online and Time Warner aims to help fight social ills, according to the heads of both companies. “This is not just about big business,” said Time Warner Chairman Gerald Levin. “This is about making a better world for people, because we now have the technology and the instruments to do that.” Levin promised that the new company would work toward having a computer with Internet access in every home around the globe. Following that, he said the agenda would be to equip those homes with electricity. — Jon Niccum
THEY FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO LIVE …
The bond between American grandchildren and their grandparents, a relationship presumed to have weakened over the past few decades, is in fact strong, healthy, and vibrant, suggests a survey from the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP). A random sampling of grandchildren confirmed this but also showed that to continue this trend, the candy and toys need to keep coming. — Robert Bishop
JOHN ROCKER WILL STAR IN THEIR NEXT CAMPAIGN …
Argentine human rights groups have called for the removal of a magazine ad for Hawaiian Tropic suntan lotion that depicts an incredulous tanned white man being dragged off by the Ku Klux Klan. A court has ruled that the agency must atone for this by running a revised version in which the same bewildered man is being dragged off by doctors whose robes read “Skin Cancer Unit.” — Andrew Miller
BON JOVI COULDN’T BE REACHED FOR COMMENT …
The federal government has proposed merging New Jersey into “Megapolitan New York” and “Megapolitan Philadelphia” for census purposes, in effect wiping the state off the statistical map. Further proposals are expected, involving getting rid of New Jersey altogether. — Robert Bishop
