Letter From the Editor: Chaos goblins of change

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Welcome to the March issue of The Pitch. Our theme this time around is Changemakers. Many of these “changemakers” are positive influences on this community. Some of them are “positive,” perhaps, but iffy based on your perspective of the world.

The one thing we wanted to tackle out of the gate here is the changemakers that are difficult to define as either positive or negative. Let us celebrate our local chaos goblins. 

  • Westport Circle. Apparently this roundabout adjacent to Historic Westport is somehow a foundational piece of the city’s infrastructure, because we can find no other reason that it hasn’t been yeeted into the sun at this point. The vaguely pentagram-shaped axis is home to an outrageous number of traffic accidents. It also features a park that has been a refuge and protest site for the unhoused in recent years. If anything in KC represents a Bermuda Triangle of functionality, it’s this little hub.
  • Jungle Law. Our city’s artistic cornerstone of billboards features a long, complicated narrative series combining the beleaguered state of cavemen, the annoyance of DUIs, and the communal experience of rallying against #MeToo situations at the office. We’re fairly certain that the Main Street-based law firm is fighting for the good of Kansas Citians, but the cartoonish imagery of the advertising makes us wonder if the whole establishment would be better suited for a NewGrounds animated series.
  • Hi-Dive Lounge’s Mystery Beer. What you get is what you get. This is a general philosophy for 39th Street as a whole, but the mystery dispenser at Hi-Dive is that kind of chaos made manifest. I’ve never received a can of anything technically “good,” but I have taken on a few flavor pranks well worth the couple bucks.
  • Almost Andy Reid. Matt Black looks like Chiefs head coach Andy Reid. As such, he’s spent the last few years participating in a bunch of fun, viral social media nonsense the actual coach doesn’t have time for. In 2021, we got to know Black much more intimately when he accidentally appeared in a pro-Scientology rap music video. He was not thrilled about the situation, but we were thrilled to become friends with a man who could find himself in such otherworldly situations—representing a different dude.
  • Marsh’s Sun Fresh. I met two of my best friends here while waiting in a 90-minute checkout line on Thanksgiving Day 2019. This was also a place where employees have vomited on me twice. Truly, Westport’s best night spot. But only circa 3 p.m. on Wednesdays. Keep up the great work.
  • Liz Cook. The Susan Orlean of food crime. The Michael Pollan of booze mistakes. Gonzo Louie Theraux’s slightly more-evil twin. The Mandalorian of mouth mistakes. We highly encourage you to subscribe to her Substack “Haterade” at your earliest convenience. If you like what she writes for us, you’ll be horrified to read what she writes for herself. Come for the Midwest mayonnaise nightmares; stay for the Jeppson’s Malört curses.
  • The Bridge on Independence Ave. For 20 years, the Independence Avenue bridge has feasted upon semi-trucks, with no end in sight for its bloodlust. Standing at exactly 12 feet, the city has spent nearly $100k on signage to make drivers aware of the concrete murder-mouth that keeps decapitating large vehicles. By nature of that streak, you can tell the signage is not pulling off its intended goal. We’ve reached the point where The Bridge on Independence Ave. has its own social media account for celebrating its latest victims. While the piece of infrastructure continues to go viral for its brutality, KC Public Works is proposing ways to increase safety.

Pitch in, and we’ll make it through.

Brock Signature

Categories: Culture