Come on, Missouri, you’re not that drunk

You know that friend who has a couple of drinks and acts like he’s all wild and out of control when really he’s not that much of a boozer? He just likes to have an excuse to cut loose and be a dick? Well, as it turns out, that friend is Missouri. And the rest of America is looking at us all, like “whatever, dude, if that’s what it takes for you to feel good about yourself.” And they just hope we can all get to Taco Bell before the drive-through closes without us picking a fight with Illinois, because they just think they’re such a big fucking deal because that’s where Chicago is and they’re not better than us goddammit. WE HAVE AN NFL TEAM! FUCK YOU! RIBSANDJAZZ! AOBFODLASJLNFKDLSNAL!

How do I support this insanely accurate caricature of our state as an insecure lightweight, you ask? With facts from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, which is gently putting an arm around us and trying to chill things out. “Come on, Missouri,” it whispers in our ear. “Nobody is judging. Just cool out.”