Four Inane Questions with The KC Morning Show’s Hartzell Gray

SKC vs. LAFC. // Courtesy Hartzell Gray

It’s a safe bet you’ve probably heard Hartzell Gray’s voice emanating through a loudspeaker, car stereo, or professional sound system. Hartzell—who says he’s “so Kansas City, it hurts”—is the perpetually perky, always loud voice of Children’s Mercy Park, home of Sporting Kansas City. And he’s also the part-owner and voice of Fountain City Professional Wrestling. (“Coming March 2024,” he tells us.)

He’s also a radio host, an award-winning podcaster, and, uh, Eagle Scout. (Don’t ask him to tie any knots because he had other folks do that for him, he quips.)

If you haven’t heard Gray get a crowd fired up, can you even call yourself a Kansas Citian? He’s also the go-to emcee for approximately 97.5% of all charity events in the metro. His frenetic, over-the-top auctioneer skills are revelatory. 

We recently caught up with the hardest-working man in show business to inundate him with our inane questions. We made him switch to decaf first. Bless. 

Hartzell Gray. // Courtesy photo

The Pitch: What’s a word you will always misspell? 

Business gets me all the time. Due to my lack of business acumen, it’s not a word I worry about spelling. Mississippi is also a toughy, but frankly, do we really need Mississippi? Like, in general?

Name a superstition that irrefutably tracks. 

You never, ever “split the pole.” If we’re walking to the left of the fire hydrant, when the time comes, the whole squad veers to the left of the fire hydrant. 

I mean, this is Walking 101-kinda-stuff. Don’t be that jabroni that goes around the other side. Far worse than crack stepping or mirror breaking—to split the pole is akin to skewing a tangent in the space-time continuum. You want that on your conscience? Couldn’t be me.

You can banish one vegetable from the earth. What is it? 

In the year of our lawd 2023, It’s time we send the asparagus back to its rightful home—the trash. 

From the texture and taste to that God-awful smell, I propose we send these grotesque garden veggies straight to the bin. That said, the tip of asparagus resembles that of a poorly shaped high-top fade. (Seriously, go take a look. It’s admittedly both hilarious—and For The Culture.)

You’re forced to teach choreography. What (readily learnable) dance move will you bust out?

Seeing as the Dougie has long since been taught and the Stanky Leg now stunk, with my first act as artistic director at The School of Pop, Lock, & Drop, we’ll be learning the entire choreography to “A Chorus Line”—the greatest musical of all-time. It will be … one … singular … sensation. 

Bonus 5th Question: What’s the absolute funniest meme you’ve ever seen in the history of funny memes? (Yes, videos count.)

Memes are meant to be seen, dammit! Anything with Willy Wonka usually gets a good chuckle out of me. Peak “Dark/Dank Brandon” had me rollin’ (pun intended, and encouraged) 

I’m also a big fan of any “sus”-related content. I’m a sucker for side-eye shade. Renaissance paintings and memes are also peak memes. If it ain’t Baroque, don’t fix it—amirite?