Apologies for professional athletes made easy!
By JUSTIN KENDALL and SCOTT WILSON
Fucking up is easy for professional athletes. Temptation is everywhere. Weed. Women. Booze. Guns. Fast cars. Money is plentiful. Mistakes are bound to be made. So we’ve developed a template for saying you’re sorry even when you don’t really mean it. (Thanks, L.J.!) If you find yourself unable to autograph or buy your way out of a jam, here’s a simple form for saying you think you might be sorry. Just fill in the blanks!
I want to start off by saying I apologize to [TEAM OWNER(S)’ NAME(S)] and my [PICK ALL THAT APPLY: FAMILY, FRIENDS, HUSBAND, WIFE, CHILDREN, GIRLFRIEND, BOYFRIEND, MISTRESS, GROUPIE, AGENT, MOMMA, LADY FRIEND IN FLORIDA, POSSE, WASHED-UP RAP MOGUL], first and foremost, and also to the [PICK ALL THAT APPLY: FANS, TEAMMATES, COACHES, CHEERLEADERS, MEMORABILIA DEALERS, MASCOT] who have enabled me. This is the first time in my life that I actually woke up [SELECT ONE: IN A STRANGER’S MERCEDES SUV, ON TOP OF MY TEAMMATE’S GIRLFRIEND, VOMITING BLOOD] and questioned where my [PICK ALL THAT APPLY: LIFE, BONUS ARRANGEMENT, MARRIAGE, CHILD CUSTODY AGREEMENT, BROADCASTING DEAL, ENDORSEMENT CONTRACT] is headed right now.
I can’t speak any further on the legal issues at this time other than to say [SELECT ONE: I’M LOOKING AT HARD TIME, THIS IS GOING TO BE EXPENSIVE, THAT BITCH HAD IT COMING], and [SELECT ONE: I VOW, GOD TOLD ME, COACH ALWAYS SAYS] to [SELECT ONE: TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT, TO MEND MY SPIRIT, TO LOOK INTO EXTRADITION TREATIES]. Today I can just tell you that I just want to work as hard as I can on not only being a good [TEAM POSITION] but obviously being a son of the [INSERT NAME OF SPORTS LEAGUE], a son of my own family, a father of the bride, a man for all seasons and a dutiful provider of garnished wages after all of that.
I’m going to work to that point to get my [SELECT ONE: LIFE, CAREER, ENDORSEMENT DEAL] back on track, and know that [SELECT ONE: MY AGENT SAID HE’D DROP ME IF I DIDN’T SAY THIS, I SHOULD HAVE LET MY AGENT WRITE THIS INSTEAD OF MY COUSIN, JAY-Z SAID TO KNOCK THIS SHIT OFF, I ALWAYS WEAR SUNGLASSES INDOORS]. All I can do is swear to you guys and to people who are watching that [SELECT ONE: IT WASN’T ME, WE COULD HAVE SETTLED THIS QUIETLY WITH CASH, THE BITCH HAD IT COMING].
In times of [SELECT ONE: MORAL UNCERTAINTY, DECLINING ATHLETIC GRACE, NONEXISTENT PLAYOFF HOPES], you’ve got to look for [SELECT ONE: AS MUCH FUCKING FUN AS YOUR AGING, ARTHRITIC HANDS CAN CATCH; STAR FUCKERS; A NIGHTCLUB WHERE THE OWNERS LOOK THE OTHER WAY], and that’s what I plan on doing, regardless of what [SELECT ONE: SUSPENSION, FINE, LIGHTNING BOLT FROM GOD] is being handed down. I will take them as [SELECT ONE: SMIRKINGLY, UNCOMPREHENDINGLY, QUIETLY] as they give them out.
