You Go, Coppers

Kansas City cops came clean last week, admitting that they had chosen not to enforce the city’s new anti-panhandling ordinance. Police department higher-ups had determined the thing was unconstitutional, so the cops just said fuck it.

Here at the Department of Burnt Ends, we applaud the lawmen’s decision to disregard the law. We’d like to see more cops ignore our minor transgressions. So in hopes of some forgiveness, we’ve searched the city ordinances for a few rules we’d like to see flagrantly snubbed.

The statute: Section 4.12 (f)

What it does: Restricts bar owners from hosting entertainment without written approval by the “supervisor of liquor and amusement control.” The entertainment in question is described as “jukeboxes, pool tables, video and pinball machines, live musicians, go-go or exotic dancers, and stage shows or contests.”

Why the cops should ignore it: Why should the man tell us when we can or can’t knock a little silver ball into the likeness of Krusty the Clown until Bart yells “cowabunga”? And since when, in this free country of ours, can we not get a little love from a go-go dancer at our fine corner saloon? Lay off our stage shows, you fun-stealing fuzz.

The statute: Section 80-20 (110)

What it does: Bars anyone from engaging in sexual activity in adult-entertainment venues. The banned behavior includes “normal or perverted acts of human masturbation; deviate sexual intercourse; sexual intercourse; or physical contact, in an act of apparent sexual simulation or gratification, with a persons clothed or unclothed genitals, pubic area or buttocks, or the breast of a female; or any sadomasochistic abuse or acts including animals or any latent objects … ” The law also forbids any acts that “cause the bodily discharge of semen, urine or feces,” except in bathrooms.

Why the cops should ignore it: Early Kansas Citians were so obsessed with sex that they even built the Liberty Memorial, the penis-shaped statue that juts over downtown as erect as Dirk Diggler. Our fair city earned its “Paris of the Midwest” moniker because of its Paris-quality bordellos. So let’s bring back the heyday of KC with a little public hanky-panky. At the least, let’s get some public masturbation. That’s sure to help First Fridays.

The statute: Section 10-102 (b) (7)

What it does: Forbids gas stations, repair garages and service stations from serving liquor.

Why the cops should ignore it: We suppose our city leaders passed this silly ordinance to cut down on drunken driving. Apparently, they believed that gas stations offering a salt-rimmed margarita with a fill-up would cause accidents. Yeah, we have to give them that one. But hey, how cool would it be if QuikTrip gave out little frosty mugs of Boulevard as you gassed up? We’re just saying.

The statute: Section 26.64 (b)

What it does: Criminalizes the sale of cigarettes that are out of their original packaging.

Why the cops should ignore it: We’re talking to the smokers out there, the ones who always seem to be on the butt end of the bum, the ones who can’t seem to get a break from that dude who’s trying to quit but needs to borrow just one more. Instead, let’s make a law that makes it illegal to bum a smoke without paying, say, a buck per cigarette. Yeah, now we’re talking, you black-lunged cheapskate.

The statute: Section 10-104 (1) (b)

What it does: Requires restaurants and bars looking for a Sunday liquor license to prove that half of their sales come from food.

Why the cops should ignore it: Kidding aside here, this law sucks. Ever try to watch a Chiefs game with nothing to wash down your quesadillas but water with a lemon? For even thinking that shit, you deserve a slap from the ghost of Hank Stram.

Categories: News