ND: Was it cathartic making Songs Not To Get Married To?

JD: “Oh, yeah. The reason I called the record that was … when I was making the album, I listened to the demos in the car when I was driving to see my lawyer in Blue Springs. This is my theme music for divorce court.”

Is this album a case of laughing lest you cry?

“Totally. I don’t want to sound like a stupid asshole from the Midwest, but shit happens. You just have to pick yourself up and keep going.”

The Get Up Kids’ split seems like an amicable divorce.

“We’re still close. We all support each other. It’s nothing bad — everybody is just ready to move on.”

What has to happen for a musician to have a successful marriage?

“God, I have no idea. They either have to be really successful or really dedicated. I don’t know, though. I have a hard enough time choosing between a hamburger and a cheeseburger.”

Tell us whether these celebrity couples will make it: Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra.

“They’ll break up. She’s dirrrrrrty. Although he may be one of those guys who says, ‘I don’t care if you fuck other guys, as long as they wear a condom.'”

Faith Hill and Tim McGraw.

“Oh, I hope they break up. But they probably won’t, since they’re a match made in country heaven. A [tour] bus driver told me that him and her and Shelby Lynne had a threesome. That’s awesome! I want to go on tour with Faith Hill.”

Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow.

“They’ll probably stay together unless he gets caught with a prostitute in some weird place like … Guam. He’ll be like, ‘How’d the press find me in Guam?’ Because you’re the guy from Coldplay, dumb ass. You can be famous and fuck a prostitute — you just can’t let her leave the next morning.”

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.

“I don’t know. Before long, he’ll have her smoking crack.”

Which brings us to: Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown.

“Oh, god. They will always be together. If they spoof your marriage on Saturday Night Live, you’re going to stay together. Although I think they’re too fucked up to realize they have a shitty marriage. It’s like, ‘Bobby, I think we really need to sit down and talk about our problems and … oh, look! A line of coke.'”

Categories: Music