Toby Keith’s I Love This Daily Briefs

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I’ve always had trouble writing “News of the Weird”-type posts. Because they’re like the journalistic equivalent of those wacky cans of peanut brittle that turns out to have CRAZY SPRINGY SNAKES INSIDE! And what am I, Mr. Krazy Headlines So Weird They’re True? Which is what I asked Justin while we were shaking the vending machine in the hallway.

“More like Mr. Ten Year Old Girl,” said Justin. “If you owned a restaurant, it would be called Toby Keith’s I Love This My First Bra™ Training Bra.” This is Justin’s new “thing,” ever since we had dinner at Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar and Grill at Harrah’s Casino. Earlier, he’d suggested a path of small-business entrepreneurship resulting in my ownership of a restaurant called Toby Keith’s I Love Giving Men Socially Uncomfortable Neck Rubs.

I couldn’t come up with a really cutting rejoinder, so I pretended I was too busy reading the St. Louis Post Dispatch to engage in a childish exchange of insults. “But seriously,” I said in a businesslike voice I know how to do, “What am I supposed to do with this story out of St. Louis?” I waved the newspaper at Justin. “It’s about two sequestered jurors who had sex while deciding the verdict in a murder trial. And two sheriff’s deputies guarding the jurors who also had sex. It’s so wacky. It’s like the wacky Carrot Top of jurisprudential happenstance.”

“With regard to your use of the phrase ‘jurisprudential happenstance,'” said Justin, “I thoroughly enjoyed my meal at Chris Packham’s Toby Keith’s I Love Peering At Pornographic Victorian Lithographs Through My Monocle. I had the Fancydancer Sampler Platter. DEE-LICIOUS. Almost as good as Chris Packham’s Toby Keith’s I Love Sit-Down Peeing Bar and Grill,” etc. etc. Justin works up a pretty good head of steam when he gets going, which makes him popular with the ladies, so this went on for a while. Instead of trying to write something wacky about jurisprudential boners, I’m passing this story along to illustrate the ins and outs of workplace dynamics. After the jump, Krazy Kansas and Science Whatever. Click wherever you want.

Categories: News