To close out 2009, a classic couple of questions and answers

Dear Mexican:

Why in the hell does everything have to be in English and Spanish? I ride the bus/train to work (not because I must but because it’s more efficient), and every time someone requests a stop, you hear “Stop Requested,” then this parrar bullshit! Not to mention that the schools are packed with ESL students and teachers. I want my daughter to learn from an English teacher, not someone who just came across the border her damn self. I am tired of catering to you motherfuckers. No other country baby-sits Americans the way America baby-sits Mexicans. I’m tired of feeling like a handicapped or less-than-TRUE American citizen cause I don’t “meet the qualifications.” Qualifications? I have a degree! My English is damn near perfect! Because we refuse to cater to you spics, we as a country suffer. Fix your own land and quit jumping borders!

Sick of All of You

Dear Gabacho:

While reading your points about insisting you don’t ride public transit due to economic duress, the fact bilingualism exists in your day-to-day life, your child attending a super-majority Mexican school, your whining about affirmative action, and your fucked-up logic (and you mean that because the United States does cater to spics, everyone else suffers), I peg you as a working-class gabacho who’d rather blame Mexicans for his sad existence than the captains of industry who make our economy the way it is. May the New Year bring your family luck, and may the Virgin of Guadalupe take off your class blinders so you can open your eyes, ese.

Dear Mexican:

Why do you only answer two questions per week? Don’t your publishers know that they could hire a gringo to answer four questions per week at the same price? I know these questions must cut into your tequila time, but at least you don’t have to do any heavy lifting. There’s so much more I want to know about Mexican culture: Why do Mexicans wear cowboy boots while playing polka music? Why doesn’t Mexico just apply to become our 51st state? Is Gustavo Arellano really the nom de plume of Carlos Mencia? If you’re really a Mexican, I think you could handle five or 10 questions a week. Andale, for crying out loud!

The Blue Prince of Dallas

Dear Gabacho:

I can answer dozens of preguntas in the course of an hour, but that has to be on a radio station where I take listener calls (hint, hint, local Know-Nothing talk-show yappers!). In print, the Mexican is grateful that newspapers even carry his column. Don’t know if you’ve heard, Blue Prince, but my profession is just above telegraph operator nowadays in the stability department, and some periódicos that carried my columna folded during the past year, while others run me exclusively on the Internet due to space constraints. What secures my existence? Ustedes readers, whose wonderful questions, letters to the editor in favor and against my existence, and attendance whenever I invade your town ensure that editors don’t deport me for good.

The year 2009 has been a tough one for all, especially Mexicans, who had to suffer through an año of amnesty limbo, hate crimes and George Lopez Tonight. But 2010 brings hope. It’s the 200th anniversary of Mexico’s liberation from Spain and the 100th anniversary since the Mexican Revolution, so we know la raza will experience another transformative upheaval. Have a feliz New Year and remember to shoot your guns toward the ground, not the air!

E-mail The Mexican at, find him at, or write to him via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433. Letters will be edited for clarity, cabrones. And include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we’ll make one up for you!

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