The five most horrible questions a waiter could hear…

Well, these were the five most horrible questions I heard during my years as a waiter — and, to the best of my memory, my immediate responses.

1) “Um, there’s a mouse under our table, it just ran over my shoe. Can you catch it?”

My answer: “Yes, but let me move you to a different table first.” (You know, the one near the mousetrap.)

2) “Excuse me, I think there’s a dead body in your men’s room.”

My answer: “Again?” (Then I ran to get the manager who found out, thank goodness, it was just a drunken customer who had passed out)

3) “When my girlfriend gets back from the bathroom, would you please sing this cute little song I wrote for her? It goes to the tune ‘Hey, Big Spender.”

My answer: “Sure.” (Big mistake. The lyrics included: “The minute you wrecked my new car/I could tell you were the world’s worst driver, a real big loser…”)

4) “Would you take a drink to the guy in the pink shirt over there? That one, sitting at the table near the window? Take him a drink and tell him that Angela said he’s the biggest asshole she ever dated.”

My answer: “No, but if you want to write it on a piece of paper, I’ll try to slip it into his lasagna.”

5) “What would you say if I told you I forgot my wallet and I need to run home to get some cash to pay for this meal?”

My answer: “I better go ask the manager.” (Who said, “It’s OK, he has an honest face.” We never saw the customer again).

(Image via Flickr: Sean Dreilinger)