Santa’s shakedown man, Krampus, should visit … Jason Whitlock
I said it earlier this year, and I’ll say it again: Someone must have hurt Jason Whitlock real bad. After a year of “strange tang,” “pussy galore,” “oozing pumpkins” and “stuffed onions,” it’s hard not to conclude that The Kansas City Star‘s butterball of bitterness is hurting on the inside.
Whitlock played weight watcher and criticized Serena Williams‘ badunkadunk. He excused cheating athletes’ indiscretions because all athletes just want some “strange tang.” He even laid out who deserved a mistress. In one of his finer moments, Whitlock mused about finding “a blossoming May flower” to “fertilize into a special, 28-year-old bouquet.” It’d be easy to wish a big-breasted Krampus upon Whitlock, but during his holiday season, it’s hard not to feel a bit of mercy. So big-boobied Krampus, go easy on J-dub. I kinda like him.
Krampus photo illustration by Heather Manica.