Rat Packs

OK, we might have been a little crude last week when we wished that bachelor at the Clarette Club a horrible wedding night and called his man tribe a bunch of Baldy McBalds (“G Hits the Spot,” May 15). But why in the world do these guys think it’s appropriate to come up to a girl — a complete stranger — stick out a one-spot and say, “A dollar says you’re naked”? We’ve had it with guys who get into the pack mentality and feel they can say whatever they want under the guise of drunkenness and Boys’ Night Out bonding.

For example, Night Ranger was sitting on the patio of Fred P. Ott’s last summer with her then-boyfriend. As then-BF was using the restroom, a guy came up to the table and said, “My friends and I have a bet. Are you wearing a thong?” NR was so floored that all she could do was shriek “What!?” like a demented banshee. What she really wanted to do was kick him in the junk. When BF heard this story outside the bar, he wanted to go back to do some junk-kicking himself.

Just a few weeks ago, we were at the Rex Hobart and the Misery Boys and Derailers show at Davey’s Uptown. We were talking with friends when a guy with a dork mustache approached us. “Hey, come meet my friend,” he slurred. “He’s the tallest Asian around.”

Sorry, guy, but if Yao Ming doesn’t have the balls to approach us himself, then we have no time for him.

We thought it was just us, but some of our other Research Assistants have had similar experiences. One time, Cat was talking to a guy at the 75th Street Brewery when his friend tried to glom onto their conversation. Said Guy No. 1 to Guy No. 2: “Hey, back off, man! I’m trying to fuck her!”

In case there’s any doubt that real-life experience makes women experts in this arena, we decided to ask an educated professional.

Burton Halpert, chairman of the sociology/criminal justice and criminology department at UMKC, attributes this boorish behavior to a myriad of reasons. Obviously, drinking breaks down inhibitions and makes people do things they wouldn’t normally do — a trait we’re all too familiar with.

“Plus, men are not too terribly happy with women these days. They feel like [women are] encroaching on them and are competing with them,” Halpert says, citing the recent golf flap involving Annika Sorenstam and Martha Burke. He also mentioned that boys and girls aren’t socialized to play together at an early age and therefore can’t empathize with one another. When you suddenly put them together, it can be a “pretty volatile situation,” he says.

“Men tend to be very competitive and perceive women as not as strong,” he explains. “They have the power, the authority to do what they want with women. All you need is a few drinks … it’s too bad, sad.”

When we ask his advice on how to deal with such asses, Halpert jokes, “You’re asking a male how to respond? Well, you can make some asinine comment, like, ‘Looks like you were stagnating when being potty trained.'” In all seriousness, though, he advises walking away when dealing with a hostile man tribe.

To do our part in de-volatilizing this phenomenon — and to give special recognition to guys who were never fully potty trained — we have decided to have a contest. We want to hear all the hilarious or sordid — preferably hilariously sordid — things Pitch readers have heard in area bars. (To all you guys who are miffed by this week’s femalecentric column: Get over yourselves and send us hilarious and sordid lines women have tried to use on you.)

All entries must be received by June 15 and can be e-mailed to jen.chen@pitch.com or sent to Pickup Line Contest, 1701 Main, KCMO 64108. Please include your address and phone number for verification purposes. Your entries will be judged by a panel of Research Assistants. We’ll print the most entertaining responses, and the winner will receive a $50 gift certificate to Birdies, the artsy-fartsy underwear store.

And, yes, we were wearing a thong at Fred P. Ott’s that night. But we weren’t about to tell that doofus.

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