Pitch Forks

HE IS CERTAINLY BETTER THAN THE LAST DUKE WHO RAN FOR OFFICE …

Former Ambassador Duke, the hard-partying character in Gary Trudeau’s Doonesbury comic strip, formally announced his intention to seek the U.S. presidency. Supporters claim he is already more animated than Al Gore. — Jon Niccum

TAKING THE WORLD OVER

THROUGH CHESS …

In the April issue of Wired magazine, Sun Microsystems Inc. chief scientist and co-founder Bill Joy says he believes scientific advances may be ushering humanity into a nightmare world in which super-smart machines force mankind into extinction. Skeptics call Joy’s views ludicrous but admit that they look forward to his screenplay for the next Terminator sequel.
— Robert Bishop

WELL, CLINTON DID SAY

HE SUPPORTED “GORE” …

National Rifle Association official Wayne LaPierre accused President Clinton of milking political gain from gun violence. “He’s willing to accept a certain level of killing to further his political agenda and his vice president too,” LaPierre said. Clinton admitted he did gain one benefit from gun violence: a decrease in Republican voters after gun owners are incarcerated for their crimes.
— Jon Niccum

THIS SHOULD HELP WITH

FRATERNITY RECRUITING …

According to a study in the Journal of American College Health, the percentage of frequent binge drinkers on American college campuses rose by 14 percent between 1993 and 1999 despite stepped-up prevention efforts by universities. Coincidentally, the 14 percent jump during that span was identical to the increase in new student enrollment at Kansas State University.
— Jon Niccum

IT’S ILLUSTRATED TOO …

The Independent Counsel’s office started submitting final reports from investigations of President Clinton and his wife. Topics covered include the Whitewater land deal, the Lewinsky sex-and-perjury scandal, and a two-page preface listing the names and addresses of all American citizens who still care.
— Robert Bishop

YOU’RE SCREWED IF YOU’VE GOT

A 999 NUMBER …

Police in Bowleys Quarters, Md., used autodialers to warn residents by phone of Joseph C. Palczynski, a quadruple-murder suspect who has evaded police for days by using survival tactics to live in the woods. Residents immediately evacuated the small town, though the exodus is believed to be unrelated to the threat of Palczynski and more directly due to the fear of repeated autodialing intrusion. — Robert Bishop