Pitch Forks

WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS, WHITNEY HOUSTON?
Kansas City-born rap star Solé failed to appear for her scheduled performance at the 4th annual Klammies Awards, leaving a venue full of the city’s musicians speculating about an explanation. After the no-show, Solé’s management claimed that it was because of the clause in her contract that stipulates that at all times she must have the biggest ego in the room. — Robert Bishop

THEY FORGOT TO MENTION SOUTH PARK
The Mexican Catholic weekly From the Faith slammed American Beauty, Boys Don’t Cry, and The Cider House Rules in its latest edition, claiming, “This year’s Oscars were a propaganda window for abortion, sexual promiscuity, and homosexuality.” The Academy apologized for its selections, revoking the awards and giving them all instead to a movie it asserted contained none of those themes: Dogma. — Jon Niccum

THE TENSION IN THE ROOM WAS SO HIGH THAT YOU COULD HEAR A PIN DROP …
At an FCC session, opponents of the proposed merger of KC-based Sprint Corp. and MCI World/Com said that a merger of the two telecommunication giants would dominate the marketplace and eliminate competition. Executives for the company agreed but said they would make amends to rival AT&T by trading the Sprint Campus for either Park Place or Boardwalk. — Robert Bishop

PLUS, GODZILLA IS ON HIS WAY …
Mount Usu, a rumbling volcano in northern Japan, is threatening to erupt for the third time in a week. “There is a strong possibility that if an explosive eruption were to take place, it may be within two to three days to one to two weeks,” the Coordinating Committee for Prediction of Volcanic Eruption said in a statement, which then continued, “Or it may not. We work, like, twice a decade, so whatever. This is a pretty cushy job.” — Robert Bishop

APPARENTLY, HE ALSO WON IN WYOMING …
In a statement released by his campaign, George W. Bush claimed victory in the Kansas primary despite the fact that the primary had been canceled in February due to budget constraints. Bush later apologized for the error, claiming that he had gotten so wrapped up in his Texas Longhorns’ winning the NCAA basketball tournament that he had gotten confused. — Jon Niccum

ANTITRUST SUPERSTAR …
U.S. District Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson, the judge in the Microsoft antitrust case, told both sides he wants to complete the penalties phase of the case in 60 days. The judge would have preferred it to be sooner, but his computer kept mysteriously crashing. — Robert Bishop

Categories: News