Lunch Lady

Remember the food pyramid from elementary school? That towering totem that rose from the sands of nutrition with the glut of sweets on top (use sparingly, motherfucker) and the mound of breads (6-11 servings, ya bastard) on the bottom?

Yeah, well, it’s useless. At least it is when you’re a starving musician or some similar breed of shiftless degenerate. The typical diet of such specimens generally adheres to the five basic food groups: dairy (Kraft Singles), meats (Spam), fruits (peach schnapps), vegetables (um, cauliflower) and grains (Pabst). But how can you stay off the nose candy and still maintain good nutrition with all those late, bleary nights and long gut-rot road trips?

Heidi Phillips, that’s how. The lead singer of Abileen has done plenty of hard time on the road. Plus, the songstress just earned her bachelor’s degree in dietetics — not to be confused with Dianetics, the bible of Scientology — from Central Missouri State University. Which means she’s smarter than you, jackass. But she has still graciously agreed to provide the following helpful health tips on making wise health decisions without sacrificing our high standard of living:
The Musician at Home

ND: Which is healthier, Top Ramen or mac-‘n’-cheese? HP: Mac-‘n’-cheese.

Spam or Vienna sausages? Tough one. We’ll go with Spam.

Canned corn or canned ham? Canned corn.

Grilled cheese or PB-‘n’-J? PB-‘n’-J.

Tater Tots or french fries? They’re about the same. But … Tater Tots.

Can of tuna or can of sardines? Tuna. Lots of good stuff in tuna.

E-Z Cheese or Cheez Whiz? Mmmm. I have some E-Z Cheese in the fridge, and it doesn’t look too healthy, so I’ll have to say Cheez Whiz.

Cap’n Crunch or Fruit Loops? Fruit Loops.

The Musician on the Road

Slim Jim or Red Vines? Slim Jim

Pringles or Doritos? I’m supposed to say what’s healthy and not what I want, right? Then we’ll say Pringles. But I love Doritos.

Pork rinds or cheese popcorn? Cheese popcorn.

Snickers or Lemonheads? Snickers. I love chocolate, so I don’t care if it’s healthy.

Pizza or microwave burritos? Pizza.

Gas station hot dog or gas station nachos? Hot dog. No, wait, nachos. Or … yeah, nachos.

Mountain Dew or truckstop cappuccino? I’ll go with the cappuccino.

Twinkies or Krispy Kreme? Probably … Twinkies.

Denny’s or Cracker Barrel? Definitely Denny’s.

McDonald’s or Taco Bell? Oh, Taco Bell.

Taco Bell or KFC? Huh … um … I’d say Taco Bell again.

The Musician at the Bar

Wine from a bottle or wine from a box? (Giggles) I guess wine from a bottle.

Red or white? Red for sure. It’s good for your heart.

Beer in a bottle or beer from a can? Beer from a bottle.

Boulevard Wheat or Natural Ice Light? Mmmmm … OK, I guess I have to go with Boulevard.

White Russian or gin and tonic? The White Russian has milk in it right? Milk does a body good.

Whiskey neat or whiskey sour? I suppose whiskey with nothing is better than whiskey with something.

Shot of Jager or a buttery nipple? Jager.

Night Train or Mad Dog? I don’t think I know Night Train, so I’ll go with Mad Dog.

Cigarettes or chewing tobacco? They’re both bad. But I’ll say cigarettes. They aren’t quite as disgusting.

Tobaccy or wacky tobaccy? Tobacco doesn’t have as many side effects. The wacky stuff makes me a little paranoid.

Huffing glue or huffing aerosal cans? I’m going with the glue.

Cocaine or generic Mexican painkillers? Mexican painkillers?

Categories: Music