Journey to Lameness

Apparently, Hallmark believes that Americans lack the tact to deal with those awkward-silence moments. Our hometown purveyor of feel-goodness recently rolled out a line of cards called Journeys, “for the real-life challenges we face today.” How about the challenge of dealing with cheesy condolences?

Variations on the hang-in-there-kitten theme abound in the Journeys line, which is full of

stylized flowers and splattered fonts. One card pictures a pair of jeans and reads “Only jeans should be distressed.” On the inside, it asks, “How can I help?” Here at the Department of Burnt Ends, we wonder what Hallmark has for somebody who has read a card like that and has seriously distressed her jeans.

Lately, lots of locals have dealt with life’s challenges. So, thinking as our friends at Crown Center do, we here at Burnt Ends have come up with some Journeys-inspired cards.
Artwork: The Kansas City skyline engulfed in a cloud straight out of Mordor

Outside message: “Sometimes, storm clouds make the world seem dark and gloomy.”

Inside: “Other times, it’s acrid smoke because your caulk’s on fire. Best wishes for your speedy recovery.”

Send to: Chemcentral

Artwork: A bright-orange jail jumpsuit hangs from a hook on a cinder-block wall

Outside message: “Look on the bright side.”

Inside: “Orange is your color!”

Send to: Katheryn Shields

Artwork: A proud police officer shows his shiny new badge

Outside message: “We know you stand behind your district attorney shield”

Inside: “But we’re sorry to inform you that abortion records remain sealed.” Send to: Phill Kline

Artwork: Smoldering wreckage of a building

Outside message: “Sometimes our biggest dreams go up in smoke.”

Inside: “When life gives you smoke, make barbecue!”

Send to: The owners of Kennedy’s Bar & Grill

Artwork: A croissant covered in jam Inside: “Congratulations on your crash diet!”

Send to: The patrons of Café Apanaire, the French bakery burned in the Waldo fire

Artwork: An angry-looking police officer with his hand extended, open-palmed

Outside message: “The chief wants to take your badge, but he cant take away your spirit.”

Inside: “When one door closes, another one opens. Thinking of you.”

Send to: Kansas City police officers who refused to listen to the pleas of a bleeding, pregnant woman

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