Eartha Kitt is “going white,” and Marlon Brando is hellbound with Stalin: The Internet only wishes it were as bitchy as 1955’s Rave magazine

Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist

brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from

area basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do

this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

Rave: The Magazine of Intimate Expose

Author: Gay-baiting, breast obsessed,  utterly degenerate/hilarious pretend moralist “Peter Hamilton”

Date: October,

1955

Discovered at:

Brass Amradillo Antique Mall

The Cover

Promises: That Gretta Garbo “loathes” America, the country

that invented Russian Roulette.

Representative

Quotes:

“When Marlon

Brando taps on those Pearly gates and mumbles at St. Peter that he

wants in, the reception he’ll get will be about as warm as the one

St. Pete recently gave the late Josef Vasily Stalin.” (page 22).

“If

we are wrong, there’s no doubt about it: we’ll have pulled the

publishing goof of the decade. We

repeat: DEBBIE AND EDDIE WILL NOT MARRY.”

(page 4)

Like

the Fox News hosts who denounce spring break lasciviousness while

filling the screen with looped images of wet T-shirt action, the scandal rag Rave enjoys nothing more

than taking a good, long, hand-in-pants stare into the very vices it

purports to oppose.

On one page, Rave is

shocked that Debbie Reynolds and Eddie Fisher would dare “mock”

the institution of marriage. Not only does Rave suspect the romance was unconsummated and publicist-dictated, Rave suggests of Debbie, in bold, “maybe she was UNINTERESTED in boys.” 

But just a few pages later, Rave sneers

at buxom sexpot Jane Russell for insufficient sexiness,

comparing her to “a painted female impersonator who stuck one

too many pillows down the front.”