Daily Briefs: Suck Phill Kline’s Balls, Blunt Gets High, Larry Moore’s Hoe

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By JUSTIN KENDALL

Nobody puts baby in a corner: Johnson County District Attorney Phill Kline doesn’t give a shit what those abortion-lovin’ fat cats on the Johnson County Board of Commissioners think. The rebel with one cause is no showing a meeting today after the Commission demanded he defend his hiring of a special prosecutor to investigate criminal charges against former Kansas Attorney General Paul Morrison, who had an affair blah, blah, blah courthouse blah, blah blow job, blah, blah resignation. In a three-page suck-my-balls-I’m-not-coming letter to the commissioners, Kline wrote: “My appearance will simply provide more media coverage of an investigation that should be allowed to proceed without the influence of politics.” You know, Kline’s right. Why should Kline, an elected … err, appointed official, have to explain the way he’s spending taxpayer money? Why should Kline have to explain why he hired Tim Keck to be an impartial investigator even though Keck just left a job in the DA’s office, which Kline hired him for? Why should Kline have to explain why he hired a man who donated to his failed re-election campaign for AG? Against Morrison? Yeah, suck it, baby killer lovers.

Flying high again: Missouri Governor Matt Blunt apparently didn’t fly on state-owned airplanes during his first three years in office. Now that he’s a lame duck, Baby Blunt is hopping flights on taxpayers’ dime. It’s also being reported that Baby Blunt is once again peeing while standing up, something he hasn’t done since cutting health care for poor people three years ago.

Only a month? I was disappointed when I read the truth about the western Kansas woman who had reportedly sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for two years. Turns out 35-year-old Pam Babcock only sat on the toilet for a month but hung out for two years in the bathroom. A month? That’s it? This is like finding out Barry Bonds used steroids to hit all of those homeruns. Or that pro wrestling is fake. Or that there were two Ultimate Warriors. Nothing is real anymore. My faith is shaken.

A strawberry shortcake for the prosecutor? The feds accuse former Cherokee County Attorney Michael Goodrich of taking money and receiving “unspecified favors” from the owner of Sensations Gentlemen’s Club in Galena, Kansas. I love the phrase “unspecified favors.” I have no idea what the unspecified favors were, but the phrase is so much dirtier than saying blowjobs, hand jobs or a strawberry shortcake. At least, in my imagination.

Dude, we’re totally going to Blonde this weekend: Dude, I totally know this guy who makes fake IDs. He’s cool. Trust me, he’s a wizard. He also makes light sabers in his free time. He’s got this secret Web site. Here’s how to contact him.

Larry Moore up, hoes down: KMBC anchor Larry Moore knows how to sprinkle manure. I live downtown, and the closest grass is where people let their dogs crap outside my building, which actually might make for a good garden. In the spirit of Phill Kline, I don’t care what those fat cats in Quality Hill say. I’m going to plant a garden using Larry’s timeless tips for growing tomato plants, circa 1985.

To the Chris Packham fan club: After spreading goodwill as American a-hole Justin Kendall overseas, Chris Packham will return to Daily Briefs on Monday. Come back soon, Chris!

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