Daily Briefs: Missouri decides, you guys

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By CHRIS PACKHAM

Okay, so John McCain is finally the President of Missouri, thanks to 3,000 people who couldn’t stay the fuck home on Election Day. THANKS, YOU GUYS. Now we’ll never be rid of McCain and his horrible Alaskan spouse with her stolen wardrobe and hillbilly-like crowd of pregnant, barefoot children. When they move to their Presidential mansion in Independence, will they sleep in the same bed with Joe the Plumber, all wearing little night caps like little cartoon characters? That concludes this week’s episode of Chris Willfully Misinterprets Electoral Law Theater.

Also, Mizzourah is no longer a “bellwether” state, you guys. Over the last two days, I’ve heard people making the ridiculous assertion that a “wether” is a castrated ram who leads the flock, wearing a bell. Who comes up with this jenkem-huffing Weekly World News crap? BATBOY MARRIES SASHA OBAMA, you guys. Fancy Lad and Kansas City Star reporter Steve Kraske went on the national broadcast of NPR’s All Things Considered last night to discuss the loss of our “jingly castrated ram” status in his velvety radio voice. Here’s a little local broadcasting “inside baseball”: Kraske has a notoriously high, squeaky homunculus voice, remedied on the radio with a combination of a vocoder and inhaling sulphur hexafluoride between sentences. If you don’t believe me, call him at his desk at the Star: 816-234-4312. It’s like talking to a baby kitten. By contrast, Pitch food columnist Charles Ferruzza has such a deep, manly voice that they actually deploy electronic means to raise it up to the spectrum of human hearing whenever he’s on-air. He is the James Earl Jones of restaurant criticism, you guys.

After the jump, some filthy language I learned when I was in daycare. Click here or on Application of Monkey Steals the Peach:

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