Daily Briefs: Large Hadron Collider fails to destroy Earth, damn it.


Hey, Science! Gather observable, empirical and measurable evidence about THIS! Scientists in Geneva activated the Large Hadron Collider without actually destroying the Earth. Maybe it’s, like, broken or something? For a couple of months now, I’ve relaxed my stiff facsimile of social propriety and stopped paying tabs at bars and restaurants, and also stopped attempting to remember my co-workers’ names or returning rental cars. IT WAS THE END OF THE WORLD, people.

Now I have to try to remember where I left all those Avises, and I might actually have to show up for this bench warrant I got served over some beef about illegally dumping medical sharps in a public park. Just because a bunch of European smartypantses want to get a long, steamy look at a Higgs boson particle to confirm their stupid predictions about the standard model of physics. In first-person Rickey Henderson-speak, Chris Packham don’t give a damn if particles have supersymmetric partners; it ain’t putting no food on Chris Packham’s table or plum-flavored brandy in the paper bag Chris Packham carries to the bus stop.

%{[ data-embed-type=”image” data-embed-id=”57150c4389121ca96b960bde” data-embed-element=”aside” ]}%The best-case scenario was that the collider would form a micro black hole, which would plunge into the center of the Earth and grow exponentially, destroying the planet from inside like a stomach ulcer with an event horizon, and I’d never have to pay off all these maxed-out credit cards or answer for the EEOC complaint the managing editor at The Pitch filed against me for repeatedly calling him “Mammy.” How is that offensive? For Christ’s sake, he’s white.

The bottom line is that planet Earth is a 6,768,838,943,539,200,000,000-ton ball of iron, and solutions for destroying it are pretty much limited to (A) smashing it with an asteroid or (B) a particle-physics mishap, and if these things happened every day, I wouldn’t be sitting here right now in the bail bondsman’s office writing this over the stolen Wi-Fi connection from the Bikram Yoga studio next door. After the jump, an election sleaze roundup and some stuff about Satan. Click here, or you can choose between hard, empirical science or irrational magic superstition:

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