Critical Fatwa

All hail Boogie Down Productions! Their track “The Bridge Is Over” cemented the diss record and rap feud as legitimate branches of the art form! From 3rd Bass to Kool Moe Dee to 50 Cent, a rapper’s best work will come in the form of a well-thrown bitch-slap. But nothing in the music world is sadder than a li’l artist dissing a big one just to get some attention. Cam’ron, by taking swings at hip-hop mogul Jay-Z, you have put yourself in the same camp as Benzino, Roxanne Shanté, Sporty Thieves and those guys who put out the lame West Coast response to “Lazy Sunday.” For shame, Cam’ron!

We know we are giving you exactly what you want: publicity you do not deserve. But the Gods of Music demand that we present you with our own diss track: It is said that your sexual stamina may not be fully adequate to satisfy your partner! You have problems digesting milk properly! You occasionally forget to apply underarm deodorant, thereby producing an unpleasant odor!

Let us state it plainly: You are a sniveling coattail grabber, no more than a child rubbing his own feces into his hair so that daddy will pay attention. Attend to the mote in your eye and leave Jay-Z alone. Maybe he and Nas will fight again, and each song produced will bring more pleasure than your entire career. It is written.