An open letter to ketchup lickers

​To the Gentleman who chose to lick his ketchup packet (and all of his kindred spirits),

I guess in your mind, it was only natural to lick and suck at the tear in the ketchup packet — your cavernous mouth was already open and it was your teeth that made the initial tear. It certainly seemed like something you had done on a few previous occasions. Perhaps, you were the kid who managed to eat a ketchup packet with each fry, considering the condiment to be a better meal choice than the potato.

But sadly you are a kid no longer. You are a grown man, sitting in the middle of a fast food establishment with a mounting pile of empty ketchup packets on your tray. If there is an opposite of Craigslist’s Missed Connections, this is it.