Michael Jackson’s sanitized, distorted biopic Michael exists in theaters this weekend. Steer clear.

Courtesy Lionsgate

At the screening I attended of Michael, the Jackson family/estate-produced, Antoine Fuqua-directed, first-of-perhaps-more-sequels(?) threatening Michael Jackson biopic, there were two guys sitting directly in front of me who came dressed in “Thriller”-era MJ cosplay. They lost it at every musical number and were clearly delighted for the entire two-hour runtime.

I’m glad those fellas had a good time. The movie is still very bad.

Michael’s musical re-creations of “Thriller,” “Beat It,” and all the early Jackson 5 hits are fun to watch. They’re designed to showcase Jackson’s otherworldly talent as a performer. As such, they carry the appropriate energy.

So the things you already know and love—those parts were copied accurately and remain cool. As for the rest…

You could marathon Jackson 5 television appearances, the “Thriller” video, and Captain EO to have just as much fun, from your phone, at home. Even the absurd 1996 TV special “Michael Jackson’s Ghosts” provides more commentary on Jackson’s actual persona and the allegations against him than Michael offers.

And what this offers is bizarre.

Michael tells a sanitized version of the Michael Jackson story from his Jackson 5 origins through his solo career up to the 1988 Bad tour, when he’s at the height of his powers. It’s set up as a battle between Michael (Jaafar Jackson, doing an energetic impression of his uncle) and his abusive father/manager Joseph (Colman Domingo under such lumpy prosthetics he can barely blink).

This was not the original plan for Michael (you can read more here about the debacle) but it’s hard to believe any movie about Michael Jackson made with the endorsement of the Jackson family and estate would be probing.

The allowed version of Michael we get was that he was a sensitive soul with insane talent who loved his family but never got a proper childhood, and as a result, connected best with kids and animals. Witness Michael visit sick kids in the hospital and have sweet conversations with them! Witness the adoption of Bubbles the Chimp, who behaves like a slightly feral toddler, loves hugs, and has no NOPE-style incidents ever! Witness Michael solve the LA gang war by inviting the Crips and the Bloods over to give him tips on choreography! [A version of this did actually happen, but it did not go down like this.]

Michael is also ostensibly about Jackson’s desire to forge his own path as an artist, but there’s so little interiority that none of it really registers; after all, that would make the character complicated, and we can’t have that. Any of the art-based conversations here are connective tissue to get us to the next big number, so much so that we don’t even get the Walk Hard-style thunderclaps of inspiration where someone says some offhand dumb thing that inspires a hit song title. The songs are already written, already titled. The most we get to witness is the moment Jackson decides on the title for “Thriller.”

Courtesy Lionsgate

Michael ends right before the child abuse allegations that would hit its protagonist in the early 90s, so it gets to live fully in awkward, unexamined glory, encouraging the audience to lose themselves in the music and not ask too many questions.

For as dumb as it is, this film relies on the belief that the audience is even dumber.

The flick ends with the chyron “His story continues…” suggesting that at some point in the future, we will be getting a version of that story. Maybe. It feels like more of a threat than a tease, given how Jackson’s career and public persona changed from that point onward.

There are some laughably wild moments in Michael, enough that between the movie itself and the many behind-the-scenes stories of its creation, it probably deserves its own episode of How Did This Get Made?

You, however, do not need to pay to see it.

The original versions of every talented, important element are already widely archived on YouTube and across popular culture. The only good parts are accessible to you right now. Critics and early audiences are currently savaging every bad part on social media in ways much funnier than they appear on screen. Save your money and time and go see something else.