Free stuff for being alive

By OWEN MORRIS

Originally, a bunch of companies had these great marketing plans with publicity kits about how they were going to promote democracy and give away free items to people who wore “I Voted” stickers.

Whoops! Turns out that promoting that type of democracy is illegal. Sorry, some buzz-kill Secretary of State said you can’t trade votes for anything — not even a crappy, day-old doughnut.

So instead it’s free stuff whether you voted or not. I like the fact that you can go into a Starbucks today and say, “I am against voting. I did not vote and I have no plans to vote. One tall coffee please,” and they still have to give you the tall coffee for free.

Besides Starbucks, which is offering one single free hot coffee per person all day long, Krispy Kreme is offering “one free star-shaped doughnut with red, white and blue sprinkles to each customer wearing an “I Voted” sticker who asks for one all day long. Ben & Jerry’s in Lawrence is giving away a free(dom) scoop of ice cream from 5 to 8 tonight.

Really though, the key to getting a lot of free crap is picking the right watch party. At parties for winning candidates, look for shots all-around. But even state senator candidates with no chance of winning still have crackers and cheese out at their watch parties.