It’s sweeps month. We give you a different reason to yell at your TV during the local news

The days of KCTV Channel 5 busting dudes who have set out to bang underage kids? They’re likely over. We have yet to hear any creepy voice-overs teasing anything so skeezy for this year’s November sweeps. That doesn’t mean local stations are going to let their fall-ratings grab go by without sex, sickness and death. So while we anticipate a month of reporters breathlessly telling us about deadly household items, questionable (or miraculous!) medical procedures and sick puppies (pedophiles and honest-to-goodness ill dogs), play along with The Pitch’s Kansas City Sweeps Bingo card. Mark a box when you see or hear these standard-issue blockbuster stories. Black out a winning row and yell “Sweeps!” Then see if someone answers you.