What? Michael Bolton is in Kansas City next week?

(Runs index finger up and down over lips): Michael Bolton is playing a show in Kansas City next week!

Big deal, you say. Bolton’s a hack. Always has been, you say. God, you are arrogant.

What’s that? I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over these large headphones I’m wearing, which are playing “Soul Provider” and “Steel Bars” on an endless loop.