Wet Bar

Over in Castaway Cove, the adults-only area at Oceans of Fun, the unlikely combination of drinking and swimming under the broiling sun gives special meaning to Oceans of Fun’s claim of a “wet and wild adventure.”

Past the gift shop, where visitors can pick up hats and shell necklaces, and beyond Captain Kidd’s pirate ship lies the Cove. There, wenches and buccaneers cavort inside a rope fence signifying that, unlike the ubiquitous kiddie areas, this inlet is for those who are old enough to quaff some grog and plunder some booty. There’s a plethora of fake boobs (insert your own flotation-device joke here) and fake-tans-without-tan lines, as well as many an Old Navy swimsuit — but nary a thong (banned by the park) or banana hammock (definitely for the best).

Ranked number eleven on The Kansas City Business Journal‘s annual Top 25 list of area special attractions, Oceans of Fun boasts that it’s the “Midwest’s largest tropically themed water park,” with an array of water-centric activities designed to appeal to the whole family. Now in its 21st year, Oceans of Fun has aged gracefully. But like any rambunctious 21-year-old who has discovered the joys of being legal, it does have its adult side — which the Pitch has spent a leisurely summer observing. And when we say adult, we mean adult.

In our investigation, the Pitch has learned that the coveted places to hang out at Castaway Cove are the lounge chairs facing the entrance and the shallow end of the pool, which allow maximum sun exposure; and the bar stools — pillars submerged on the pool side of the Belly-Up Bar. The bar is a circular area shaded by a tiki-hutlike roof. Half of it juts into the pool; the other half is on land. Staffed mostly by attractive, Hawaiian-shirted guys (one of whom courteously asked whether we wanted our drinks “weak or strong”), it serves basic bar drinks and frozen concoctions. A fried smell lingers in the air, thanks to a snack bar that abuts the pool, and the haunting refrains of TATU’s “All The Things She Said” seem to be playing continuously over the loudspeakers. Occasionally, a random child stands by the rope fence, screaming, “Moooom! I need some money!”

One afternoon the Pitch encountered a group of very tan, raucous women in bikinis who confirmed our impression that Castaway Cove was much like MTV’s Spring Break at the amusement park. “This is a sitcom — it’s reality TV!” said Tina Wells, 44, a stripper at the Flamingo in Lawrence and a regular with a season pass. “There’s fighting, people get naked — it’s the place to be in the summer. It’s wild here. I’m going to be depressed when it’s winter.”

“Sweetheart, it’s Cancun in Kansas City!” roared Paula Clark, 46.

“Security is always trying to kick us out,” added Wells, who also informed us that her drink was seven parts tequila to one part orange juice. “There are businesspeople, friends, out-of-towners here. It’s a real social deal. The women here are of all ages, and there are awesome bartenders.”

Wells also told us about an Internet personals service that she and Linda Hanson, 48, another pool regular, wanted to start called Fabulous Forties. “We’re foxy, hot MILFs!” they said, and indeed, they did look great. Later, we saw one of their cohorts drunkenly croon “If I Could Turn Back Time” into her bottle of Bud.

“We get a lot of women taking their tops off toward the end of the day … they come in mild-mannered,” said another regular, who asked to remain anonymous. “Some like to make out with each other.”

We were unable to witness such Girls Gone Wild-style action over the course of several visits, though we did see a guy in navy trunks moon a woman in a black string bikini. According to J.R. (the moonee), the mooner asked her to sign his bill, which one of the bartenders had brought him. She told him that if she did, she would leave a $100 tip. He then asked her to show her ass, and when she didn’t, he dropped trou. “I didn’t know him from fuckin’ Adam,” she said. “He started saying cheesy-ass lines like ‘Can I get a pill like you had — a cute pill?'”

As this Pitch reporter waited to talk to the mooner, who was settling up, she felt a hand fondling her ass and quickly turned around. “Oh, sorry,” grinned one of the mooner’s friends. The mooner, who was pretty lit, admitted that he had shown his own ass “for shits and giggles.” He then started spouting dumb lines in what he thought was a seductive voice. “Why you so cute?” he asked. “With that pretty smile, with all those white teeth?” However, a distracting booger lodged in his nostril dampened his charm.

Worlds of Fun and Oceans of Fun officials downplay the spirited atmosphere at the Cove. “With hundreds of guests in a day at the bar, there’s no way that we could keep our eye on every person,” says Public Relations Manager Cristy Walsh. “We do make sure that it is first and foremost a family atmosphere at Oceans of Fun, so we try and make sure that nobody gets out of hand … but we don’t have any record of that happening on a normal basis, and that’s something we certainly don’t condone.”

Still, as season-pass holder Robb, 31, observed, “There’s a lot o’ eye candy out here.” He said he came to the pool a couple of times a week “just to chill by the pool and get liquored up.” He added, “The real skinny, though, is to sneak in your own liquor.” He said he usually brought in beer purchased at a nearby convenience store.

We asked him if he had ever witnessed any drunken antics. “A little phalanges,” he said — meaning some finger action in the pool. “Twice. You’d see women with shocked looks on their faces.”

Then there was the mythical tale of The Chick Who Threw Up For An Hour. (No one noticed until the wind shifted and people started smelling it.) “There was just a pile of vomit in front of her,” said Dave, 24, a heavily tattooed guy who has been driving 45 minutes from Olathe every Sunday for the past four summers to adult-swim. “This is the only pool where you can smoke, drink and eat in the pool,” he said.

“There are good, stiff drinks and a younger crowd,” added Jessica, 26. “I tell people to come here for a first date. There are rides, drinks, a swim-up bar, a private snack bar — it’s an untapped resource. A lot of people know about Oceans of Fun, but they don’t know about the swim-up bar.”

Of course, drinking in the heat can take its toll, but Walsh says this hasn’t been much of a problem. “We don’t necessarily have a three-drink maximum, but we do watch people. With the heat out there, you just have to be really careful,” she says. “We have a full paramedic staff on-site at Oceans of Fun and Worlds of Fun. You have your circumstances where a couple of people a season might drink too much and, with the heat, just happen to get dehydrated a lot easier, so they’ll need a little bit of attention.”

Such as the two guys who passed out on lounge chairs one afternoon. One of the men was still clutching his Bud bottle as he snored. As the sun grew weaker and closing time hovered, a lifeguard had to shake them awake — and it took awhile to rouse them. “Yeah, they’re tired,” the lifeguard said. They eventually woke up, befuddled. Trevor, the nonsnorer, explained that it was Jason’s birthday and they had been drinking “since yesterday.”

As they stumbled out, Trevor’s long, gray swimming trunks were sliding lower and lower on his hips, exposing some butt crack.