We’re on Something

We’re on Something

The $70,000 media campaign to promote Kansas City, Missouri, proclaims proudly, “We’re on it!”

Which makes us wonder … on what?

What’s our fair city on? We’ve come up with a few possibilities:

We’re on meth: Missouri leads the nation in the seizure of meth labs and also proudly sells newly imported Mexican meth. KCMO police say the stuff goes locally for $900 to $1,200 an ounce — about twice the price of gold.

We’re on a sugar low: Royals ticket holders get free Krispy Kreme doughnuts when the team manages more than 12 runs during a game — something that’s happened just 10 times this season.

We’re on to our neighbor’s secret: As suburban communities consider banning sex offenders, metro dwellers should get ready for new, creepy neighbors.

We’re on a speed rush: Grand Avenue has now reopened through the Sprint Center construction. Motorists, get ready for the breakneck 30 mph through downtown, sometimes even detour-free.

We’re on an inhaler: Global warming might mean fewer ice storms, but three-quarters of Kansas Citians say they’re concerned about air quality, according to a 2005 study by the Mid-America Regional Council.

We’re on metal plates: The city regularly has, oh, 250 or so supposedly temporary metal plates covering dump-truck-sized potholes.

We’re on to Wayne Cauthen: The city manager dreamed up the billboard blitz. With that $70,000, he could’ve bought 35 more metal plates for the roads. Sheesh.

A Texas County Texan

Missouri’s most famous businessman passed away last week without much acknowledgment in his home state. We’re speaking of Kenneth Lay, former Enron executive, convicted swindler and native of less-than-proud Tyrone, Missouri.

Tyrone isn’t much more than a road sign marking where a town’s supposed to be. The nearest stoplight-worthy spot is Houston, Missouri, which didn’t take much notice of the Enron deal or of Lay’s death, says Maria Lewis, assistant manager of Miller’s Grill. “He never came back around here,” Lewis lamented last week. “We’re too little for that.”

Lay did make a $15,000 donation about six years ago to help in the revitalization effort of downtown Houston, recalls Brad Gentry, editor of the Houston Herald. “That occurred before we even knew what Enron was,” Gentry says. Lay made the gift through his foundation and never came back to see the progress that Texas County made in revitalizing its county seat.