Well Done, We Do Say

Early last week, this satire lovin’ sirloin discovered SaveOurOwners.com, a mock news Web site parodying the Save Our Stadiums campaign to renovate the Truman Sports Complex. The site was put up by a trio of supposedly filthy-rich aristocrats to express their support for the dollar-deprived owners of the Kansas City Chiefs and Royals, Lamar Hunt and David Glass.

Save Our Owners also started a clothing drive — Mittens for Owners — asking Jackson County residents to donate winter clothes to the Hunts, just in case voters reject their climate-controlling rolling roof. Their goal: Get 400 million mittens shipped to 1 Arrowhead Drive.

This curious cutlet had to know more, especially after reading the site’s “quote” from Lamar Hunt vowing to “attend the 2015 Super Bowl dead or alive” by building a “a jewel-encrusted, glass-walled luxury tomb” in the south end zone. So the Strip e-mailed a chap named William Bucksworth.

Bucksworth replied: “I propose that we pick you up somewhere in the downtown vicinity at approximately 6 p.m. The three of us … will arrive in one of our many ostentatiously appointed vehicles, and we’ll chat over a glass or two of champagne while touring the city. Does this sound acceptable to you?”

Hell yes, the Strip replied.

This limo-lovin’ loin found itself sipping champagne and riding in style through Kansas City with Bucksworth, Fenton Crackshell and Wallace T. Hardcopy.

The Strip agreed to keep these socialites’ real identities under wraps, mostly out of appreciation for their elaborately concocted charade: Crackshell founded an accounting firm linked to local team owners and the Jackson County Legislature; Bucksworth, the Algerian-born son of a wealthy British Velcro magnate, and Hardcopy, the son of an affluent Belgian industrialist, rode the dot-com boom to millions. Somehow, they ended up in Kansas City and found one another on a golf course near Parkville.

In early March, they started the Save Our Owners Web site to support our “needy sports owners.”

“There was nothing really out in the media world that was portraying our beloved people,” Hardcopy told the Strip.

“The wealthy,” Bucksworth interjected.

“Yes, in a light that was really as complimentary as it needed to be. We needed to portray them in a way that made them look to be worthy of all of our tax dollars, but especially worthy of all of these people’s tax dollars,” Hardcopy said. He pointed a finger beyond the limo’s tinted windows to everyday people on the streets.

And no, The Kansas City Star‘s seemingly constant stroking of the stadium initiative wasn’t enough for them. They had to speak up for the stupidly rich.

“The profits from the stadiums are critical to the maintenance of their lifestyles,” Bucksworth said. “I certainly think it’s our duty to support these guys.”

Their faces soured at the thought of taxpayer money being spent on the city’s infrastructure or fire or police services.

“That would be horrible,” said Bucksworth.

Just when the Strip was growing really impressed by the way these guys stayed in character, they simply couldn’t hold up any longer. This meat patty’s companions — actually three self-described “computer geeks” — dropped their bad British accents and began to shoot straight.

They’re just regular guys tired of a shitty deal, they said. They were disgusted over the bribe of a Super Bowl in 2015 and the scare tactics being used to drive people to the ballot box. Keep the teams! We might not get another vote!

They’re not against taxes paying for upgrades, but they think the owners are getting off too easy. “The point is to raise awareness that we can get a better deal,” said the dude who’d been going by Bucksworth.

These three average citizens didn’t want to get lumped in with the other anti-stadium-tax groups, so they chose an unorthodox voice. The Web site has cost them a grand total of $9. The limo ride set them back quite a bit more.

And they have found what they call an “unlikely ally” in WHB 810 sports-radio jock Kevin Kietzman. Since “Bucksworth” called Kietzman’s show one afternoon, Kietzman has pimped SaveOur Owners.com — and every time he does, there’s a spike in hits.

The three plan to post stickers over urinals to spread the word and plant yard signs supporting the superwealthy owners.

Eventually, as the limo rolled through Westport and into the Plaza, the champagne ran out.

“We’ve encountered a tragedy,” Bucksworth said.

Indeed. The Strip was sad about the end of the bubbly but happy to hear that the entertaining Save Our Owners effort had only just begun.

Later in the week, though, the Strip heard an opposing viewpoint from a very cranky Steve Glorioso, the political consultant who is serving as spokesman for the stadium campaign. For one thing, Glorioso sniffed, the Save Our Owners jokers are violating Missouri campaign law by failing to disclose who they are and where their money comes from.

“The whole idea is transparency — for the public to know who it is,” Glorioso told the Strip. “Just because it’s humorous doesn’t mean it’s not a serious effort. I mean, what is their motive? Is it to defeat this outright? Are they truly just downtown baseball stadium people hiding behind a mask? Are they from Los Angeles and want to go after the Chiefs if this fails and they’re free from their lease? I mean, this is not a funny matter.”

Whoa. Fearing for the future of Save Our Owners, the Strip called up Joe Carroll, the director of campaign finance in Missouri. “Anybody spending more than $500 to influence the action of voters on that ballot issue would be a committee, and they would file reports with the Kansas City Board of Elections because that’s a local ballot issue,” Carroll said.

The guys cracked up when this meddlin’ meat patty told them what Glorioso had said — they couldn’t believe that anyone could think they had such important connections.

They did, however, decide to reconsider the yard signs, which might put them over $500.