Wedding Buzz

Danny Boi, the slacker-inspiring morning DJ from KRBZ 96.5 (“The Buzz”), recently broke what-happens-in-Vegas-stays-in-Vegas tradition by returning from the station’s weeklong road trip with a souvenir: his new wife, Amy.

Boi had selected his future spouse through an on-air contest to accompany him on a road trip to Vegas. After a (supposedly) sober night on the Strip, they bought a pair of $40 wedding bands from a mall kiosk and tied the knot at a quick-vow hub called The Garden of Love. They paid extra for the “Roman package.”

The Pitch smelled a publicity stunt, so we decided to test their compatibility with Newlywed Game-inspired questions. Amy agreed to meet up with her new hubby at Tomfooleries. She drank Chardonnay. He drank Miller Lite. She declined to give her maiden name. He joked about drug use. Like a ’70s-era game show host, we put ’em to the test:
What product describes your wedding night?

Danny: “Saliva.”

Amy: “The crazy [Magic] Eight Ball.”

Points: -2

What Spanish word describes your

wife’s chest?

Danny: “Grande.”

Amy: “Chi-chis. Wait, is that a Spanish word?”

Points: 2 (close enough)

What is the strangest place you’ve made whoopee?

Danny: “The bathroom at Erotic City while high on whippets.”

Amy: “The Miller Lite bus.”

Points: -2

Fill in the blank: My wife acted like a witch the night she …

Danny: “Got lit with the [Miller Lite] dudes that wanted to pull a train on her the night before our wedding.”

Amy: “Dissed him for the Miller Lite guys.”

Points: 2

My husband is a closet …

Danny: “Homosexual, based on my new haircut and style.” [He’d just bought a pair of designer jeans and had a fresh haircut, styled with “product.”]

Amy: “Romantic.”

Points: -2

My husband acts weird whenever I try to touch his …

Danny: “Anus.”

Amy: “Feet.”

Points: -2

In high school you dated what clique?

Danny: “Cheerleaders.”

Amy: “Jocks.”

Points: 2

Describe your parents’ reaction in one word?

Danny: “Fuck.”

Amy: “What?”

Points: 2

What is the last completely random thing you said during a whoopee session?

Danny: “Why is the cat watching us?”

Amy: “I think I need to do laundry.”

Points: -2

What is the one thing you and your hubby agreed not to talk about on air?

Danny: “The first night she cooked. I told everyone it was a nice chicken dish. It was Tuna Helper.”

Amy: “My maiden name.”

Points: -2

What is your favorite thing to buy by the foot?

Danny: “Do they sell porn by the foot? Either that or coke lines.”

Amy: “Shoes!”

Points: -2

What is the last bar you passed out in?

Danny: “Jilly’s, on my birthday after singing for a Blink cover band, drinking a case of Miller High Life and doing Scarface lines of coke. I performed for my bosses and then went to work the next day and denied the whole thing.”

Amy: “I have never passed out in a bar.”

Points: -2

Final score: -8

He’s into heavy drugs. She’s more of a shoe shopper. We wish the new couple luck. And please, stay away from his anus.

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