We the People

Take our Fourth of July quiz to find out how American you truly are.

1. Given the chance to wear the American flag, you would:

A. Turn it into a sexy leather halter top to accentuate your barely legal curves, like Britney Spears on the cover of Rolling Stone‘s May 2000 issue. (0 Points)

B. Hack a hole in it and wear it as a poncho to rock 2004’s Super Bowl XXXVIII, like Kid Rock. (-2)

C. Find two gay men to appear in a 1990 Rock the Vote commercial with you while you wear nothing but combat boots, lacy red lingerie, and a great big American flag, like Madonna. (1)

2. On “Living in the Promiseland,” Willie Nelson sang, Give us your tired and weak, and we will make them strong/Bring us your foreign songs, and we will sing along. His message is:

A. Immigrants, stay out. (-1)

B. America has never needed immigrants or their cultures to weave a complex tapestry of peoples so, seriously, stay the fuck out. (-2)

C. If you believe in hard work, America will give you the chance to find some for less than minimum wage — but it’s your job to look out for immigration services. (1)

3. The Dixie Chicks just made another ill-timed, controversial comment about the president. Do you:

A. Join Southern conservatives in collecting Chicks CDs and destroying them in Nazi book-burning fashion? (-2)

B. Send Natalie Maines a death threat? (-3)

C. Suddenly realize you’re part of a staggering majority, and the only ones left to defend the Bush administration also believe that Jesus is returning in their lifetime? (3)

Total Score:

-7 to -1 points: You’re about as American as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or Osama bin Laden. But you’re probably white and were born here. Boo.

0 to 2 points: You’re the average American. Don’t travel overseas, though — you might make us look bad to other cultures.

3 to 4 points: You’re educated enough to be called an enemy of America by the Christian Right, but not quite artsy (or gay) enough for them to call you an enemy of God.

5 points: Holy mother of Lincoln, you bleed red, white and blue. We’re proud that you’re an American!

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