PD: Should I call you Dick, Mr. Valentine or Dicky V?

DV: Just don’t call me late for dinner.

Is it good to be back on the road?

Well, we’ve been in the van for 10 minutes, and I’ve noticed that nobody is talking to each other anymore.

What’s the best place to stop for food?

Cracker Barrel. I’m a big fan of collard greens. I like the catfish, too.

Does Detroit get a bad rap?

On a lot of levels, yeah. But on some levels, it deserves it. No other city has as much urban decay. But the rent’s cheap.

Your buddy Jack White seems like a pretty good boxer. Think you could take him?

It seems to me if you came up at him with a flaming kick — you have to light your foot on fire — you’d have a chance. Of course, he’s weak on the anterior side, so that’s where I’d attack him. But you don’t always think of that in the heat of battle.

I hear you play indoor soccer.

Yeah, I quit after a couple games. Too much of a time commitment. I love the game, though. I like taking guys off the dribble. I root for the Tottenham Hotspurs, even though they’re not really good anymore.

You should be used to that, being around the Tigers and Lions.

Hey! Don’t you rip on those highly paid collections of people that I’ve never met!

Sorry. How was your last Bottleneck experience?

It’s a great venue. We went there in March, but it was during spring break and there was, like, ten people there. It was bad, man. Real bad. But I really liked Lawrence. Oh! I should tell you we just played a gig in Toledo at the club where the Puddle of Mudd meltdown happened.

We’re so proud.

I’d love to go on tour with Puddle of Mudd, 3 Doors Down and Nickelback. Maybe you can get me some tickets to that show?

I’ll hook you up.

I had a dream the other night that [Nickelback singer] Chad Kroeger was in the NBA. And he was good. And there was Marv Albert calling out the play: “And Jason Kidd kicks it over to Nickelback, and Nickelback takes it strong to the hole for two! And one!”

You do a pretty good Marv Albert.


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