After the apocalypse, say in ten years, you’re going to be drilling for the last dredges of crude oil in post-apocalyptic Prairie Village when you happen upon Grammy Nominees 2004. You will give the album a spin and groan. You’ll say, “Shit, not these songs again.” Then you’ll hear Justin Timberlake’s “Cry Me a River,” contemplate suicide and look around to see if the other twelve survivors are watching. Then you’ll dance your Mad Max ass off. This is what happens when somebody jams the most excruciatingly played-out tracks from a single year onto one album. Grammy Nominees is one of those Now! This Is Music compilations disguised as the best music 2003 had to offer. There are a few attempts at cred-salvaging. But for some reason, following the devastation of a dying Warren Zevon’s “Keep Me in Your Heart” with 50 Cent’s bouncing ass-grinder “In Da Club” probably isn’t the kind of segue you’re looking for. Then, just when you think you will suffer a complete psychotic break if you hear the Black Eyed Peas’ “Where’s the Love” one more time, you’ll find yourself tapping your foot to Coldplay and Beyoncé and bobbing your head to Missy Elliott and Outkast. Then you’ll be singing like the goofy bastard you are to “Stacy’s Mom” and (admit it, dude) “Cry Me A River.” Suddenly, you’ll love the album but hate yourself. Which is why you buried it in the first place.

Categories: Music