Turn off your mind, relax, and this book still sucks: Studies in Crap meets John Lennon in Heaven

Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

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John Lennon in Heaven: Crossing the Borderlines of Being

Author: Linda Keen

Date: 1994

Publisher: Pan Publishing, Oregon

Discovered at: 2nd Chance Thrift, 63rd & Troost

The Cover Promises: Pink-clouded adventures in heaven with the guy who sang “Imagine there’s no heaven.”

Representative Quotes:

  • “‘I thought when I died, I would finally get some rest from fans — but shit no! I didn’t become ‘free’ until I could find me way out of those bloody clouds.'” (page 36)

  • “‘Take this and bear it honorably,’ says the man in white, presenting John with an exquisite, gleaming sword which materializes out of the Light.” (page 214)

Author Linda Keen claims to gad barefoot through the dandelions with dead John Lennon. He’s her afterlife BFF, her “personal spirit guide,” and he can’t stop telling her how she’s very much like him, death and genius notwithstanding.

They’ll talk on and on about how tragedies on earth are no big thing since our souls learn from them, and then he’ll look at her with a Beatley twinkle and say “Well, dearie, you and I have a hell of a lot in common.”

Or: “I haven’t had a conversation like this since Huey Newton.”

Together, they amble through meadows and past Mystic Oceans, having adventures, dishing the secrets of creation and Beatledom. John complains that Yoko keeps throwing memorials for him, boasts about his past lives in Arthurian times, and then, after some 200 pages of tedious bullshit, passes bravely through an underground chamber in which their own corpses lay decaying in coffins.

There John Lennon meets an ancient man in white named Pendragon — as in “King Arthur” Pendragon.

Pendragon is so impressed by John and Linda’s moxie that he bestows upon the peace-loving Beatle an invisible sword made of light, and I guess also advances him to level 8 and the Goblet of Fire.

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