T-Shirt IQ Test

Custom T-shirts with goofy catchphrases are not new. But custom T-shirts with catchphrases tailored to the owner’s varying levels of drunkenness? That seems to be the thought process behind Loozerware.com, which bills itself as “a purveyor of fine t-shirts, for boozers, loozers, and the occasional slut.”

Denny King, a 45-year-old welder from Parkville, says his sartorial enterprise was conceived by writing down every sloshed idea he’s had while carousing with buddies for about the past decade. Here are a few of the high-blood-alcohol concepts.

· A pharmacist’s mortar and pestle with a head of foam that reads “Ale’s What Cures Ya!”

· “Of course I was driving, your honor. I was too drunk to walk.”

· A panhandler’s cardboard sign that reads, “Blojobles, Pleez Giv, God Bles U.” King is especially proud of that one. “It’s written just like a bum would write it, so to speak,” he says.

· “I’m bye-sexual. ‘Cause sex said bye a long time ago.” King explains: “It’s kind of a married man’s shirt. All married men are bye-sexual.”

So far, King has pressed about 100 shirts and is selling them for $19 each to late-night revelers at places such as the Power Plant Brewery in Parkville and Grinders downtown.

King hopes to use his “lifetime of ideas” to wax intoxicated about everything from marriage to constipation. He has just one caveat: “I don’t want to get into the filth: the fuck-you, fuck-me, that kind of stuff.”

Because, as any seasoned partier knows, that’s the kind of stuff that can cause a fight. A hometown boy makes a name for himself by being known for not playing.