Tricked Out
It’s that time of year when snot-nosed little shits come begging for free candy. Get a job, ya fourth-grade freeloaders! But whether you spend your Halloween dispensing Hershey bars, playing “Stairway to Heaven” backward or hacking up perky-breasted coeds, the following selection of Murder Is Fun! music will have you in stitches. No, really — it’s scary. Like when we all thought Marilyn Manson was Paul from The Wonder Years scary.
Hometown Heroes Halloween Dress-Up Tips
Tech N9ne
The Look: Little Red Ridin’ in the Hood
Essentials: Ask your barber for a Marley-meets-Medusa do. Burn your blue jeans. Go all out in blood-red — hair, pants, shoes and Underoos. Go off your meds. Look for inspiration in the latest issue of Soldier of Fortune or Guns & Ammo.
Wes Scantlin
The Look: Kurt Cobain’s redneck cousin or the guy sitting next to you at Benders
Essentials: Black stocking hat and/or baseball cap worn backward; stringy, shoulder-length brown hair; “Fred Durst Rules!” T-shirt. Take a shot of Jack, smoke two Pall Malls and imagine getting kicked in the nuts to achieve the nasal wail perfected by Puddle of Mudd’s lead singer.
Get Up Kids
The Look: Hi, welcome to Recycled Sounds, can I help you?
Essentials: Goodwill chic: semi-ironic band T-shirt, brown cords and black-rimmed Buddy Holly glasses. Stub your toe, bite your lip and think of all those junior high wedgies you suffered. Somehow piss off half of your hometown by doing something wild. Like being successful.
Glen Campbell
The Look: Rhinestone Cowboy
Essentials: Ol’ Glen is more of a Branson balladeer than a KC crooner, but it’s always good times with skin-tight, check-my-package Wranglers; polished, black shit-kickers; a snot rag; and a belt buckle the size of a Geo Metro. Oh, and the rhinestones. Got to have the rhinestones. Daydream about Wichita.
Charlie Parker
The Look: Sax-blowing sultan of the speakeasy
Essentials: Your nicest suit, your biggest set of lungs and a shiny alto saxophone. Shoot some heroin and die at age 34 in the New York apartment of some chick named Baroness Pannonica de Koenigswarter. Proceed not to rest in peace in Kansas City’s Lincoln Cemetery.
Five Things Parents Don’t Want to Hear on Halloween
“I had a lot of fun at the Halloween rave until I cut myself playing pin-the-dirty-syringe on Courtney Love’s bloated carcass.”
“Mom, can we not go to R. Kelly’s house this year? The licorice tastes funny.”
“I got a Snickers from the Johnsons, a Reese’s from the Walkers, two boxes of Milk Duds from the Andersons and a small balloon of China White from the Weilands.”
“Dad, we haven’t seen mom since Tommy Lee’s house.”
“Sorry I didn’t call. After trick-or-treating, me and some other kids went to the Neverland Ranch for a sleepover with the lights out.”
How Superstar Musicians Say “Trick or Treat”
“Hey bizzle, trizzle or treazzle fo’ Snoop Dizzle from the L-B-Cizzle, muthafizzle.” — Snoop Dogg
“Hmmmm … sonuva … blaaaah … chrissakes … arggghhhh … trick … motherfucking … uhhhh … cocksuc … [groan] … mmmme … arggghhh … fuck…. Sharon!” — Ozzy
“I’d say ‘trick or treat,’ but what’s the point? We’re all going to die miserably in a cold, lonely pit of despair.”
— Aaron Lewis of Staind
“I want the biggest, longest, hardest candy bar you got, ah-ight?” — Lil’ Kim
“Hey, shorty, it’s Halloween! And we’re going to party like … it’s Halloween! We’re going to get some treats and sip Bacardi like it’s Halloween! And you don’t give a fuck, ’cause it’s Halloween!” — 50 Cent
“OK [giggle]. So, I’m, like, totally embarrassed [tee-hee], but, trick or … OH-MA-GOD! Look at what Spears is wearing! Like, hello, where should I put the dollar bills, honey? [Giggle] For sure! Oh. Do you, like, have any Butterfingers? Shut up! I LOVE Butterfingers!” — Hillary Duff
“Fuck you, I don’t have to do what you tell me! I’m crazy! If I want candy, I’ll just take it. How about that? I won’t even say please! Yah! Look, I’m wearing a tie! Isn’t that crazy? Sex Pistols rule!” — Avril Lavigne
“[Gulp] … mmmm … [smack] … I loooooooove Baby Ruth … mmmmm … [gobble] … so good … hoooooweeee…. Do I have chocolate on my face? Hmmmmm [gulp] … mmmm. Do you guys got any Mallomars?” — Ruben Studdard of American Idol
“What’s going on?” — Jessica Simpson
“Hey, hey, hey … smack a dob in whiskey hummana succotash and trick with the Mayflower rock while you’re rolling you must own the spinning wheel Claire? Give me a treat or they’ll trick you on down the avenue.” — Bob Dylan
“Ah! Ah! Pigfucking shit-ass goat whore. [Barking] Bow down, earth maggot. [Primal moan] Darkness descends on the rotting flesh of my black soul. [Guttural scream] I shit on you lifeless pawns, then I take your Twizzlers.” — Slipknot
