Toybox of terror: 12 homemade toys sure to frighten kids and anger God

​Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.

Look, I totally understand the modern hankering for the handmade and the pre-industiral, for children’s toys that look like they might have been crafted by elves in a workshop rather than shat out of one of those Mattel’s Chinese lead-and-woe factories.

But good Lord in heaven, that’s no excuse for the horrors of How to Make Soft Toys & Dolls. What is the appropriate age for furry prisoner-rendition cosplay?