Tolbert lusts for Squitiro

By JUSTIN KENDALL

Eww. Eww. Eww.

Perennial candidate for everything Richard Tolbert proclaimed his love for Gloria Squitiro in a column on the KC Tribune’s Web site last Friday.

I lust for her in my heart. If I had such a wife protecting my back, I could be President of the United States in 2012, regardless of who wins in this year’s election.

And I cannot promise that I am above doing everything I can to engineer a divorce so that Gloria will be free to marry me. And if all else fails, I’m dropping hints that Gloria ought to consider adopting me.

Eww. Eww. Eww.

The lovefest continues in the comments, where Squitiro has penned a faux “Dear Funk” letter:

Well, we’ve had a pretty good run together, 31 years to be exact. Unfortunately, I’ve decided to go off into the sunset with Mr. Tolbert. He’s a much more experienced politician than you are, and to top it off, he’s much less controversial. Maybe I’ll finally get that diamond engagement ring that you always promised me.

But don’t fret, there is a silver lining in this for you. You are now free to hire me to work in the Mayor’s office. That is, if you think you can afford me.

Love,

Gloria

P.S. Mr. Tolbert, my hero – thank you for taking a stand and, better yet, for making me laugh. You are officially adopted by the Funks. xo

Eww. Eww. Eww.

Categories: News, Politics