They’re making a Lake of the Ozarks Party Cove reality TV show and also we are living in a hell simulation

Around the four-mile marker at the Lake of the Ozarks lies a zone where the waters are curdling over with even more piss, shit, gas, and semen than in the rest of the man-made, E. coli-infested body of water. My friends, I am referring to Party Cove, a place FourLoko Dot Com calls “one of the most infamous lake parties in America.”

The Cove has long been a subject of fascination for Missourians. It is certainly the number-one place in the state to observe public sex. It is also a great place to fish for used condoms, beads (anal and Mardi Gras), Natural Light cans, Oakley sunglasses, stained thongs, and the sickliest bass in America. Now it is getting its own reality show. 

Doron Ofir Casting and 495 Productions, a team whose contributions to the culture include Jersey Shore and Floribama Shore, are currently doing casting calls for a series set in this unholy lagoon. Wanna be in it? Here’s the pitch: 

Listen up, Missouri, Kansas, Illinois, Nebraska, Iowa, Wisconsin and the surrounding areas, we are looking for the most interesting, craziest, hottest, loudest 21+ SUMMER VACATIONERS who are ready to hit the lake and share the summer of a lifetime with us. 

The screening process includes questions about your “best assets,” your “best hook-up story,” your “pick-up tactics,” and how you “show respect at the club, in the streets, in the gym, etc.” As regular guests know, respect is paramount at Party Cove. When a bro is Iced, it is customary to swiftly chug the Ice. When a female removes her swimwear top and swings her bare breasts to and fro, onlookers are expected to encourage her by raising canned beverages and sounding boat horns. 

Filming is set to begin this summer, “both on the lake and at various businesses,” according to Lake News Online.