The Wussies of Oz

The Lollipop Guild: Waaaah! Boo-hoo! Screech!

Glinda the Good Witch: Come now, what’s all this crying about?

Munchkin No. 1: You had no right to do what you did!

Munchkin No. 2: You can’t tell us what to do!

Munchkin No. 3: Our school plan was just fine!

Glinda: Oh, no, little ones, your school-financing plan was a steaming pile of dung. Don’t act like you didn’t know this was coming, or I’ll turn you into toads.

Munchkin No. 1: But we raised next year’s school budget by $142 million!

Munchkin No. 2: Yeah! And we did it without raising taxes!

Munchkin No. 3: We promised the other Munchkins we wouldn’t raise taxes! You can’t make us go back on our word!

Glinda: Oh, rubbish. Your promises are silly. The only real responsibility you have is to follow your constitutional duty to pay for a decent school system in Munchkinland. And it was you yourselves who paid for a study to figure out how much a suitable education costs in our land. For years, you’ve been increasing per-pupil spending by tiny amounts and ignoring how much a decent school system really costs. It’s your own fault that the report found that you need to spend $853 million more a year just to meet constitutional requirements.

Munchkin No. 1: You make my head hurt!

Glinda: Suck it up, crybaby. I told you in January it was time to stop with the silly games and put together a school plan that addressed those real cost findings, and what did you do? The same thing you always do. You played with your little lollipops.

Munchkin No. 2: Hey! You can’t say that!

Glinda: Sure, I can. We’re not in Kansas anymore, you silly little creature. Anyway, I made it very plain that you had until this April to come up with a plan that would take care of some of the terrible inequities in Munchkinland. And what did you do? You figured out a way to make the inequities even worse! What kind of an idiot do you think I am!

Munchkin No. 3: Waaaaaah! But we did what you told us! We added more money! What more do you want?

Glinda: And what did you say when I asked you which cost study you used to figure out your new formula? You couldn’t point to any cost analysis at all. You just raised what you could get away with politically, completely ignoring the actual needs of the schools. I should drop a house on your little asses and get it over with!

Munchkin No. 1: But our friend Kris Kobach says you had no right to tell us how much more money to spend! He says you can only tell us that our plan is no good and go make us do it again!

Glinda: What are you whining about now? Who’s Kris Kobach?

Barrister Munchkin: I am! And this is a constitutional crisis! Listen to me, everyone! Munchkinland is in a constitutional crisis!

Glinda: Hey, pretty boy, you have no power here. Be gone, before somebody drops a house on you, too.

Barrister Munchkin: But I must be heard! I tell you, fellow Munchkins, she had no right to tell you to spend an additional $143 million beyond the $142 million increase you already approved. This is not the proper role of a witch! In fact, she is that worst sort of creature — an activist witch!

Glinda: Oh, please. I have every right to do what I did. Their own study showed that they should be spending $853 million a year more than they already spend to address the inequities and problems in our schools. But I’m not stupid. I know the school system could hardly absorb nearly a billion dollars in increases in a single year without wasting a good portion of it. So I chose a reasonable fraction — a third — and added it to next year’s budget.

Barrister Munchkin: But you can’t do that! Only the Munchkins in the Legislature can appropriate the people’s money! You can only tell them that their plan is unconstitutional and make them do it over again!

Glinda: What? So they can add a single freaking dollar to the budget, say they did their job, and send it back to me again? No, I’m tired of the games. And all of this jerking off is only hurting schoolchildren who shouldn’t have to wait for the legislative Munchkins to get their act together. This has been going on for six years, and I don’t remember you being around for all the headaches we’ve been through already. Who are you, anyway? Aren’t you that little conservative wing nut who took a drubbing in the last election?

Barrister Munchkin: Waaaaah! Constitutional crisis! Constitutional crisis!

Munchkin No. 1: We aren’t going to do what you tell us! We’re going to revolt!

Munchkin No. 2: Revolt! Revolt! She can’t make us do anything!

Munchkin No. 3: Let’s see her try to enforce her ruling!

Glinda: Oh, you poor, deluded little wankers. How is it you keep getting elected? And where is that Dorothy Gale when we need her?

Dorothy: If you please, I’ve just sort of been waiting on the sidelines until the Munchkins came up with their own plan.

Glinda: Well, enough sitting on your ass. We may be stuck with a bunch of Munchkins in our Legislature, but it’s time a woman with some sense showed them how to solve our school problems.

Dorothy: But what should I do?

Glinda: Just follow the … oh, the hell with it. Figure it out on your own, will you? It’s your job.

The Lollipop Guild: Waaaaaaaah!