The Priceless Guide to Love

The Priceless Guide to Love
Hip-hop MC Priceless Diamonds has been classing up these pages for months now with her bits of wisdom. This is her last installment. But the “Boss Bitch” isn’t leaving without giving us all one big piece of advice. We’re talking love, y’all.

For a worldly, street-smart woman, P.D.’s take on a romantic evening starts out shockingly traditional. “Number one, go to a quiet dinner, but don’t get too full or you might end up passing out on each other,” she advises. “Hold hands in the car. Once you get home, have rose petals strewn out, leading to the shower and the tub, because you wanna be smelling fresh and clean when all this drama’s going on. If your shower sucks, use a bubble bath. If you’re getting off to a slow start, make sure you have plenty of sexual accessories. If you don’t have any, you can always stop by Walgreens and get an electric toothbrush.”

Well, wham, bam, thank you, ma’am. An idea was born: Priceless Diamond’s Guide to Love, or Finding Sex Toys in Everyday Objects.

So off Priceless went to the Target at 85th Street and Ward Parkway. Seconds after making a Boss Bitchlike entrance through the swinging red doors, she spotted her first Ordinary Household Object-Turned Sex Toy and made a beeline for the jewelry counter. She pulled a string of big-ass silver beads off the rack. “Those look like they would hurt,” she said, pointing to a painted, wooden variety. “These wouldn’t, though. Make sure to get sterling silver. We don’t want you to get lockjaw.”

One aisle over was the baby section. “Is this offensive to be looking in here?” the Boss Bitch wondered. Aw, hell. She pulled a double pack of pacifiers off the shelf. “If a guy’s real kinky, give him a pacifier to suck on,” she said. Priceless turned to a SpongeBob SquarePants car shade, musing that it would work well for sex in the car. “And a bottle warmer to heat the massage up with,” she added. Ahh, technology.

In the hair-care aisle, Ms. Diamonds found a wide-paddled brush and practiced her backhand. “I use the other side on their ass,” she explained. “They say it makes ’em come harder. I’m gonna use this big wide one here.”

We neared the toothbrush section, which was the inspiration that had brought the Boss Bitch to Target in the first place. “Right here, baby,” she said, finding a nice, buzzy model. “It might take longer than a vibrator, but it’ll get the job done.”

Soon, Priceless was in home improvements and tools. “If you tape their hands up, you can cut it off, which is better than handcuffs if you lose the key. Here are some flashlights so you can inspect that person in the dark. Safety first.”

We made it to the game and toy aisles, which reminded her of a story. “Once my friends and I played strip poker. It was more funny than anything. OK, we drunk and naked. Now what?

“The bed ain’t always the best place,” Priceless Diamonds continued knowingly in the rug aisle. “Now what’s this pretty thing? I’m coming back for this.” She abandoned the pink rug she was checking out in favor of a rocking recliner with high-tech-looking knobs and dials on the side. “That’s hot, rocking and listening to some slow shit,” she said. “I ain’t gonna lie. I kinda like it.”

So what happens after a long night of Target inventory? “In the morning, jump up, hop in the shower, cook him steak and cheese eggs with mimosas and send him out into the world sexually drained and mentally ready to get paid,” Priceless said. “Because these men be out here in this working world horny. If their woman was taking care of them at home, they wouldn’t be like that. You feel me? Get out of here and get that money.”

Near a giant clock, Priceless sat down to rest. A giant clock is, she said, the best way to hint to a lingering lover that it might be time to hit the bricks. “You know what time it is? Time for you to go,” she said.

On her way out the door, a Target employee named Lonzo, who had been putting items back on shelves in the Boss Bitch’s wake, paused for a picture. Turned out he was a fan of Kansas City’s sassiest columnist.

“Target is high nasty!” she told him as she swooshed out the doors.