The Mexican warns a Scotsman not to make ridiculous comparisons between the two cultures

Dear Readers:

The paperback version of my book is in stores. Buy it! Now, on to the preguntas.

Dear Mexican:

Consider the similarities between my people, the Celtic Scots, and yours, the Hispanic Mexicans. Both trace roots back to Spain. We sailed north to the British Isles and mixed with the aboriginals to become the Scots; you sailed west to mix with the aboriginal Americans. The Roman Empire invaded, pushing us back into the marginal lands in the northern mountains. Then they built a wall to keep us barbarians out. The American empire conquered your lands, pushed you into the deserts and built a wall to keep you out. My people were organized into large gangs called clans distinguished by our plaids, like the Mexican gangs today. We would cross over the border into Anglo-Saxon England to commit various crimes — cattle rustling, theft, rape, murder — and then run back across the border to get away scot-free, just like you Mexicans.

For centuries, we, too, tried to hold out against our larger and more powerful neighbor. We both had our moments: William Wallace sacked York; Pancho Villa shot up Columbus. We still boo English soccer teams, and you boo Miss America. The big difference is that eventually we realized that being uneducated barbarians was no way to beat the English, so we decided to become the most educated people on Earth, rivaling even the Jews (whom we were the first to emancipate). In 1707, we merged with England to form the United Kingdom, placing our King James on their throne. Last year, another Scotsman became Britain’s prime minister.

And there is the history lesson for you Mexicans. When you decide to culturally value your own minds rather than your ignorance and victimization, you will be able to bring about the eventual political merger of North Americans as equals. Maybe then we will elect a Mexican-born presidente of the 82 Estados Unidos.

Great Scot

Dear Gabacho:

You forgot to mention our cultures’ shared affinity for offal and patronymic surnames; otherwise, your fascinating analysis is dead-wrong. Everyone knows our Celtic brothers are really the Catholic Irish, and they were the ones who persevered and gained true freedom, unlike you kilt-wearing, golf-inventing Presbyterians. And about that Acts of Union that merged England and Scotland: It’s fraying. The Scottish Parliament has reconvened, after more than two centuries of silence, and a secession movement endorsed by no less an authority than Sean Connery is gaining steam. We Mexicans, meanwhile, have enjoyed our sovereignty; the only tyranny we need independence from is diabetes.

Dear Mexican:

Are there specific things that “white” Americans are doing in everyday interactions with Mexicans and other Hispanics in the United States that really irritate you? I’m talking about the little, misguided actions of otherwise well-meaning people, not the behavior of racists.

Curious in Cudahy

Dear Gabacho:

Not really. If a gabacho mispronounces Spanish words, I understand it’s not his native tongue. If he gets drunk this Cinco de Mayo on Jose Cuervo and Corona and not Herradura and Bohemia, I figure it’s because a Mexican hasn’t taught him the bueno booze. Mexicans and gabachos are two different cultures, and no one can honestly expect each side to seamlessly understand the other in this country, nor should anyone want to — the bumps and bruises caused by the conflict are what create these United States. The key difference is that Mexicans understand this point and eventually assimilate gabacho culture into theirs, whereas gabachos steadfastly refuse to incorporate some wabiness into their lives — outside such superficials as food and women — and get mad when we don’t absorb their cultural markers fast enough. For the millionth time, gabachos: Mexicans. Assimilation. Believe it. And happy Cinco de Mayo!

The Mexican now offers ustedes an online-only question every week. Find a link every week alongside my regular column at Pitch .com. Or submit your spicy questions at mexican@pitch.com.