The Mexican translates for you

Dear Mexican:
I’m hoping you can help me: I think I have a Mexican problem. In short, I have a home in sunny California on a property with an abundance of agave cactus and century plants growing along the street. Every year for the past 20 years, five to 10 cactus leaves (3 to 4 feet in length) are cut from the base of the plants that are closest to the street. This occurs several times a year prior to holidays (Christmas and others). The huge plants with slashed leaves are a visual blight. I have posted numerous respectful signs such as “No hunting cactus leaves — private property,” but to no avail. I believe this is a Mexican matter because there are many Mexicans living and working in the surrounding area. On one occasion, I observed a Mexican casing the plants, and I told him of the problem and how the police had been notified and were monitoring the area. He was gone before I could say adiós, and the leaf cutting stopped for about six months. Recently, the practice has started up again. Agave is used for tequila and lately has become popular as a sweetener for baked goods. Also, it’s good for floral decor and barbecue. ¿Qué puedo hacer?
Cactus Culero

Dear Gabacho:
Of course, it’s a Mexican problem. While gabachos like you use such plants as ornamentals, Mexicans have long revered the agave (which, a propósito, isn’t a cactus) for its many uses — you named some, but others include making teas, creating ropes from the fibers and even needles from the sharp points at the end of the leaves. And don’t forget that each leaf, if properly cared for, will sprout into its own plant. You really can’t do much to stop the thievery. Mexicans pick all crops and plants before them (even if on private property) as a matter of habit, given that it’s been our American-requested mandate in this country from día one.

Dear Mexican:
Americans liking tacos, salsa, Salma Hayek’s chest, Mexican beaches and tans does not translate into Americans wanting undocumented Mexicans crossing our borders to work here, bringing in disease and drugs and crime, and receiving welfare benefits. Are you high on peyote, man? Who in their right mind would want to live under Mexican law and culture? Mexico is a mess and not because of the gabachos — please, señor! You and your jealous amigos are the hypocrites because Mexico is a top-heavy wealthy country that has no human rights, no freedom of the press, no access to the courts, no due process, no welfare programs or shelters for the poor suffering people I saw on the streets of Mexico City! Why aren’t you and your amigos bashing Mexico and its government for the disgraceful treatment of its people? Why are you bashing the United States, which offers Mexican immigrants, legal or illegal, a better life through its better system, better education, welfare benefits, free education and free social services? Again: Just because we enjoy tequila and fajitas does not mean we want to be Mexican or live under corrupt Mexican culture or get ripped off daily by having our tax money going to Mexicans’ welfare benefits! Comprende? Capiche? Or do ya need a translator for this?
Wasting Away in Margaritaville

Dear Gabacho:
No one has ever said that a gabacho loving Mexican products translates into a gabacho wanting more Mexicans — actually, quite the opposite. From the first Ramona-themed picnics to today’s luxe-loncheras, gabachos have tried their darndest to remove Mexicans from the equation of consuming Mexican culture, and they’ve done an amazing job of it — just look at chili, then move on to your bar’s Drinko for Cinco celebration. It’s a concept that academics call appropriation, but the rest of us call it hipocresía — ya need a translator for that?

GOOD MEXICANS OF THE WEEK! Dr. William Nericcio, English professor at San Diego State University, is the Mexican’s Mexican: a brilliant, scabrous modern-day Socrates, save for the pederasty. His expertise has appeared in this columna before, and I’m proud to report that Nericcio has finally redesigned his Tex(t)-Mex Galleryblog, where the profe takes his semiotics-obsessed scalpel to dissect news affecting Mexicans in this country with his academic-chúntaro desmadre. Read for yourself at textmex.blogspot.com.

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