The Friendly Skies

After enduring a 20-plus-hour journey back from our recent vacation in Taiwan and Japan, we desperately needed a nap and a drink (in that order) after landing in KC.

As we groggily rode down Interstate 29 from KCI, a sign caught our attention: Final Approach. The name of that bar made us giggle because it reminded us of that episode of the Simpsons in which Homer — searching for a new drinking establishment after being banned from Moe’s for life — ventures into the Little Black Box airport bar and has to impersonate a pilot to imbibe there. Needless to say, such deception isn’t necessary at Final Approach, and, after an interesting Saturday-night visit with Research Assistants Cece and Laura, we will never again think of the phrase “upright and locked position” in the same way.

We located the bar pretty easily — it’s next door to Puffy Taco in a strip mall across from Embassy Suites. When we walked in, we noticed an inordinate number of people wearing name tags as well as an inordinate amount of women in extremely low-cut tops (sporting their name tags in their overflowing cleavage). This being big-small-town Kansas City, the first person we spotted inside was a familiar face from the midtown bar scene wearing a name tag that read “Chorizo Gigante.” He came over and begged us only half-seriously, “Don’t put me in the paper!”

“What’s up with the name tags?” we asked.

“This is a party for Adult Friend Finder,” he said. “It’s a Web site for swingers, nymphomaniacs … anything to do with sex.”

Well. To reference Homer Simpson again, you know how those Germans have a word for everything? There must be one for that moment of speechlessness and sheer delight (from a column-writing standpoint) at stumbling upon such a party at a random Northland bar.

To start off the night in the right way, we got drinks (cheap — three tall gin and tonics and two Boulevard Wheats set us back $18) and did a walk-through of the joint. The pub itself is pretty cool; even though it’s your basic sports bar, decorative touches such as actual airline seats and airline signs on the walls appealed to us. (Thankfully, the toilets didn’t flush blue water.) According to the organizers of the event, the bar’s location appealed to them because many of the AFF members present were from the lower Midwest and had flown in for the shindig. Naturally, we were curious about the attendees, so, after Chorizo slapped a name tag on the Night Ranger that read “Coming For You” (we really wanted one that said “Night Stranger”), we started mingling.

Some of the sexophiles appeared to be in their late 20s, but there was a greater concentration toward the older end of the spectrum. And to our surprise, we discovered in our highly unscientific poll that many we talked to were not members of the mile-high club. Except for Mike, 36, who wasn’t a Friend Finder; a Los Angeles resident, he was in town to invest in apartment buildings, and he told us about a flight from Tennessee to L.A. during which he clicked with a chick sitting one seat over. They adjourned to the lavatory to, uh, do it. He also provided commentary about the AFF-ers. “Been there, done that, gave up on it,” he snorted before returning to his game of pool.

We also met the über-friendly Dan, 26, and Gina, 32. They had met online when Dan, who was living in Syracuse, New York, but was moving to KC, logged on to make new friends in his future hometown. We asked if they were hooking up.

“That’s a good word for it,” Gina replied.

“So what kind of stuff are you into?” we asked, wanting to hear unusually kinky stories.

“Making friends,” Dan said. Huh. He put in a plug for AFF, saying that its profiles allowed for more creativity than those of a site such as Match.com, which, he says, asks more structured questions. He put a short story in his AFF profile, for example.

“That’s the reason I messaged him to begin with,” Gina said.

“What’s the story about?” we asked.

“Hooking up, making out,” Dan replied. Hey, that’s the story of our lives, too!

Our chat then turned to the pictures accompanying the profiles, which, they said, consisted mainly of “a lot of cocks” and, as Dan demonstrated, a lot of women bending over and looking coyly over one shoulder. “With her eyes blacked out [by a bar],” he said, “just in case her co-workers log on.” (Of course, we looked up the site after returning to work on Monday — purely for research purposes, of course — and, uh, yarrgh. We saw a lot of splayed legs on this purported “world’s largest sex and swinger site.”)

Little did we know that we’d actually see some live breastage that night. We ventured onto the back patio, where we spotted an older woman flashing her boobs and grinding on various guys. She was sporting a white miniskirt, a small diamond nose stud and a knee bandage. “Yay, titties!” a couple of guys cheered. They cheered even more when her blond friend went up and kissed her cleavage.

We also met Rubin, 29, on the patio. The business student and DJ from St. Louis got flirty and touchy-feely immediately. “Not many women I have met have been taken to the peak of what I give,” he told us. “I have a lot of energy.”

“Um. What’s your stamina from?” we asked.

“It comes from above, from a higher power,” he replied.

“How long can you go?” we queried.

“How long do you want me?” he teased. Ugh. We set ourselves up for that.

“I’ve never been with an Asian woman,” he told us. Well, tonight wasn’t going to be your night, Mr. Higher Power. Later, as the NR was interviewing “Big Asian” Steve, 34, and his girlfriend, Anita, 47 (and, yes, Anita tells us that Steve lives up to his name; she should know — she put her hand down his pants on a dare when they first met), Rubin came up and started putting his arm around the NR. “You’re with me now,” he said. Annoyed, she shot him the look of death for interfering with her work, then moved away.

By this point, the party had been going on for a few hours, though many had adjourned to afterparties at neighboring hotels. We wondered what exactly went on at the afterparties. “Oh, it’s a ‘show me your boobs, show me your nuts’ kind of thing,” said Diz, 41 — the flasher. She also told us that she’s more into swapping than swinging. Women and men? “I’m strictly dickly,” she said before getting pulled away to dance to “Sweet Home Alabama.”

If that doesn’t give new meaning to the word bulkhead, we don’t know what does. We’re sure the Germans would agree.