The five-oh in KCMO needs help recruiting, so maybe it’s time to break out the keys to the impounds

It seems like nobody wants to be a cop anymore. The Kansas City, Missouri, Police Department is struggling to get applicants these days, and those they do get don’t quite have a full charge in their Tasers, if you know what we mean.

The Department of Burnt Ends is nothing if not socially concerned, so we came up with some ways the KCPD could lure in a new generation of badges.

“Good cop, bad cop” routine changed to “good cop, awesome cop.”

Unnecessary force no longer unnecessary.

Free reign over the impound lot.

Three righteous kills a year, no questions asked.

Federal-blue shirts are ultra slimming.

Unlike Independence cops, we solve crimes.

Opportunities to work special duty at Royals games, fire T-shirt cannon.

You can keep any unfired bullets.

Training dummies for suspect phone-book beatings available in the gym.

Mustache wax provided at no cost.

A buddy to play “the repeater” and the “cat game.”

G.E.D. assistance for qualifying recruits.

When you’re working your toughest case two days before you retire, department will issue extra body armor and 24-hour SWAT escort for protection.