The Doggfather

My mom could kick your dad’s ass. And without her hipstermeter, I would be getting the brunt of so many more noogies and wedgies in the Pitch office. So I couldn’t even think about putting together the year-in-review section that follows without asking her what songs were cool in 2003. Here’s what she said:

Outkast: “Hey Ya!”

“I like songs that make me want to move. They make me feel good.”

Maroon 5: “Harder to Breathe”

“It was my favorite song forever. It makes me want to turn the music up.”

Kelly Clarkson: “Ms. Independent”

“I am Ms. Independent.”

Santana with Michelle Branch: “Game of Love”

“I’ve always loved Santana. You can always tell his guitar, it has that … twang. Michelle Branch is just an added thing. I can’t believe she didn’t get nominated for an Emmy or a Grammy or whatever.”

Clay Aiken: “Invisible”

“I follow American Idol from day one until the end. I know I’m weird.”

No Doubt: “It’s My Life”

“I loooovve that song. I also like the way that girl romps around the stage. She’s bitchin’.”

You thought Ma Dogg was a badass? Sister Sara eats pieces of shit like you for breakfast. She gargles with broken glass. Lights matches on her forehead. OK, not quite. But she is a tough little country girl who doesn’t let little things like being run over by a tractor keep her (and her boyfriend, Casey, who looks vaguely like Bubba Sparxxx) from giving us her top five tracks of 2003.

Bubba Sparxxx: “Deliverance”

He’s funky-fresh. It’s a good dancing song. (“Yeah,” Casey adds, “because you’re doing so much dancing since you broke both feet being run over by a tractor.”)

Christina Aguilera with Lil’ Kim: “Hold Us Back”

It’s a very empowering song. They’re kinda scandalous. [Christina] is kind of a hooker, but I still like the song.

Dido: “White Flag”

I bought it in Europe. It was a happy medium that everyone could listen to.

Snoop Dogg with Pharrel: “Beautiful”

It’s a party song. [PD Note: I can verify that Sister Sara sang this song every fourth minute for the duration of the month of July. ]

Willie Nelson with Toby Keith: “Beer for My Horses”

You can take the trailer out of the park … but you can’t take the trash out of the girl? Or something. [Willie Nelson and Friends: Live and Kickin’] is actually a really good CD.

Hmm. I needed more opinions. But my seventeen-year-old brother isn’t exactly a talker. When he isn’t breaking bones aboard a motorcycle or snowboard, he’s mumbling incoherently like Rain Man when he was a senior in high school. I did, however, manage to extract the following top songs from the adolescent stew clogging his brain.

Outkast: “Hey Ya!”

“I don’t know … I just like it.”

311: “Creatures (For a While)”

“It’s a song for going boarding or riding. How about that?”

Chingy: “Holidae In”

“It reminds me of a Holiday Inn. [Ed: All those wild parties with your bitches and hos?] Exactly.”

Linkin Park: “Somewhere I Belong”

“Sure. Good song. [Ed: Does it speak to your angst? Is it good mosh-pitting?] Whatever, weirdo.”

Staind: “Far Away From Me”

“I don’t know. Why do you ask me these questions?”

The White Stripes: “Seven Nation Army”

“Right on, dude. You’re not going to publish this are you?”

Hell yeah, I am — right before I fly off for a conjugal visit with my fiancé. In anticipation of our sweet holidays together, my sugar-bear love muffin offered the following tips on what was hot and steamy in 2003.

Outkast: “The Way You Move”

“Kick-ass song. It gets me groovin’.”

Sheryl Crow: “First Cut Is the Deepest”

“Cat Stevens, Rod Stewart … and now Crow … gets me every time.”

T.A.T.U.: “Not Gonna Get Us”

“I have to applaud the Russians’ enticing lesbian tease [Ed: That’s my girl!], not to mention their Euro coolness.”

Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock: “Picture”

“Great karaoke song.”

White Stripes: “In the Cold, Cold Night”

“Who knew the drummer could sing?”