Tell your valentine almost anything – with candy
Valentine’s Day has for decades been one of the busiest nights in the restaurant industry. But taking one’s romantic interest out for dinner isn’t the only way to express love or desire, and besides, what do you do when you get home again? Simple: Eat candy. What kind? That depends on what you’re trying to say to the object of your seduction.
If You Really Love Me, You’ll Accept All My Flaws
Little Debbie “Be My Valentine” iced brownies
Supermarkets, convenience stores, gas stations ($1.79)
Some people might be insulted to be handed a gift of a long rectangular box of Little Debbie’s seasonal iced brownies. After all, a package of five cellophane-wrapped delicacies costs less than most Valentine’s Day cards, and they don’t taste very good, even by the bargain-rack bakery’s usual standards. The blood-red frosting is super-sugary, and the brownie is the thickness of a copy of Soap Opera Digest, with a similar mouth feel. But the meaning is in the shape, not the flavor. They’re supposed to look like hearts but appear to have been trimmed by a 5-year-old with a pair of plastic safety scissors. Why not take a cue from Debbie and remember that love is all about looking past imperfection. And cheapness, sometimes.
I’m Hoping to Rekindle What We Lost After the State Fair
Caramel apple
Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory ($3.50)
Union Station, 30 West Pershing, 816-421-2571
A crisp Granny Smith apple gives this confection on a stick the crunch and tartness it needs to stand up to the sweet, filling-extracting power of the caramel stuck to it. Don’t worry, though — they spray it with Pam first, ensuring that the product doesn’t stick to the waxed-paper wrapping if you get it to go. It doesn’t affect the taste, but don’t watch. As in relationships, some illusions must be preserved.
Who Loves His Little Bunnykins?
Personalized chocolate-covered fudge hearts
Laura Little’s Candies ($6.99 for 4-ounce heart, $11.99 for 8-ounce heart)
2100 West 75th Street, Prairie Village, 913-722-2226
Let’s be real: If you really want to make an impression with a personalized Valentine’s Day gift, you should think of an engraved piece of jewelry or a monogrammed cashmere sweater. But if that’s simply not in the budget, the venerable Laura Little’s confectionery shop sells chocolate-enrobed hearts made of fudge, truffles, or peanut butter and crispy rice treats. For no additional charge, the staffers use pastel frosting to write a name or a lovey-dovey message on the heart, or a very personal nickname or an amorous request — even naughty and highly suggestive instructions. If you can ask for it with a straight face, they’ll accommodate you.
You Know You’re My No. 1 Mistress, Right?
Mini chocolate-heart box
Godiva Chocolatier ($6)
Oak Park Mall, 11487 West 95th Street
Overland Park, 913-888-8344
Here’s proof that not all heart-shaped boxes of chocolate are created equally. It’s also proof of the dent that Godiva’s boxes can make in your wallet. The heart-shaped chocolates from the heart-shaped box are silky, sure. But the brand name stamped into the candy is why you’re really buying these.
I Just Want to Get Into Your Pants, OK?
Chocolate boxers or corsets
Annedore’s Fine Chocolates ($2.95)
5006 State Line, Westwood Hills, 913-831-0302
Love may be a many-splendored thing, but sometimes sex is a more urgent priority. Sheri Weedman, the owner of Annedore’s, knows what you need. She offers a lusty array of aphrodisiac confections: chocolate-covered strawberries, chocolate-covered candied ginger, port-wine truffles, a dark-chocolate bark made with sea salt and Sicilian orange peel. If that’s too subtle, though, there’s always a pair of chocolate boxer shorts or a chocolate corset. “They’re a little racy for Annedore’s,” Weedman admits. That means they’re just right for us.
Let’s Get Sticky, Messy and Wildly Erotic
Valomilk bars
Sifers Valomilk Candy Co. ($1.45-$3)
5112 Merriam Drive, Merriam
Available throughout the metro
There’s something almost pornographic about the sight of an attractive man or a sexy woman biting into a Valomilk. It’s the only candy bar in the world that spurts out a deliciously sticky, white-marshmallow-cream filling. It does for chocolate what Annette Haven did for the adult-film industry in the 1970s and ’80s. Candy entrepreneur Russell Sifers, who continues to produce the famous bar introduced in 1931 by his grandfather, Harry, says part of the attraction is that Valomilk — which sold for a nickel during the Depression — is now one of the more costly confections in the United States. “You can find them for $1.45 at some of the Hen House stores,” Sifers says, “and they retail for $3 each in Chicago.” The candy is sold throughout the area, but Sifers has fans who insist on stopping by his factory and buying cases of it. “One Valentine’s Day, a man came by my office and said his wife didn’t want diamonds, just Valomilk.”
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I Know There’s a Freak Under That Buttoned-Up Exterior
The Matterhorn
Andre’s Confiserie Suisse ($2.55)
5018 Main, 816-561-6484
4929 West 119th Street, Overland Park, 913-498-3440
Everything is proper in the midtown or Leawood chocolate shop — properly passionate. The Matterhorn, that signature peak of volatile pastry seismology, is a dual threat: a big chocolate mountain that signifies the phallic or the mammary, as you like. Either way, the real treat is the delicate butter-cookie base that holds a chocolate and chocolate-buttercream cake beneath the skillfully arranged chocolate and vanilla fondant.
There Are Many Ways to Get Into Heaven
Whitman’s Sampler
Russell Stover Candies (1-pound box, $13.99)
Available throughout the metro
There’s a solid reason that the traditional 1-pound box of assorted chocolates — nougats, caramels, fudge, toffees, nut clusters — has been the favored Valentine’s Day choice for mothers, grandmothers, maiden aunts, old gay bachelors and shut-ins. The familiar yellow cardboard box (which can be used later for a variety of craft projects, or for cleverly hiding cash or handguns) evokes a simpler era, when a box of candy evoked a sense of sweet affection rather than lust. This year marks the 100th anniversary of the sampler, which was introduced in 1912 and became the best-selling boxed candy in America within three years. Kansas City’s Russell Stover bought Whitman’s in 1993. Remember the rule, though: Don’t give a Whitman’s Sampler to a sex partner unless there’s an engagement ring tucked inside the box.
We’ve Been Together Long Enough to Eat Like Pigs Around Each Other
Chocolate toffee pecans
We B Nuts and Stuff ($14.50 per pound)
9437 Mission, Leawood, 913-649-6887
It takes a brave partner to give candy that’s assembled by sheer poundage — or maybe a long-term partner, with whom all barriers against indulgence have been torn down. These nuggets, dusted with powdered sugar, sit beckoning in the glass display cases lining the center of We B Nuts, a store that opened in Ranch Mart Shopping Center in December. The saltiness of the pecans is the last note you taste from a handful, meaning you’ll keep reaching for the next one to get more of the dark chocolate and sweet toffee.
Don’t Worry, These Nude Polaroids Will Be Classy
Small “Peanut Butter Dreams Pizza”
Amore Chocolate Pizza Co. ($14.95)
4821 West 117th Street, Leawood, 913-327-1400
The 6-inch chocolate disc is the relative thickness of a Belgian waffle, and inside is a creamy peanut-butter center to balance the snap of the dark or milk chocolate. Peanut-butter chips and a white-chocolate drizzle on top help sell the suggestion that you’re eating some kind of pizza, but this is strictly for the easily convinced. What other kind of Valentine’s Day date do you want, though?
Thanks for Letting Me Get to Second Base
Milk- and white-chocolate-covered Oreos
Chip’s Chocolate Factory ($8.99 for a six-pack)
Crown Center, 2450 Grand, 816-421-0012
The chocolate covering on each Oreo is like the fudge produced by the Crown Center candy shop — rich and buttery. Then you bite into the cookie center and you’re a kid again, looking for a huge glass of cold milk and hoping that nobody comes to stop you from eating the whole box.
Your Tongue Is So Hot
Chili-flavored chocolate
Panache Chocolatier ($4)
418 Nichols Road, 816-931-3191
KC’s Panache might be most famous for its chocolate-dipped Oreos, chocolate-covered corn flakes, and the chocolate-and-popcorn combination known as Choco Poppo (cinephiles need love, too). Now there’s a new kick in town: dark-chocolate pieces made with hot red-pepper flakes. It’s a smooth, silky chocolate with a discreet flash of heat. It’s lovely with a glass of chilled champagne and a hot bubble bath.
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You’re Here, You’re Queer, and I Hold You Very Dear
Fancy heart-shaped chocolate assortment
Russell Stover Candies (8-ounce box, $9.99)
Various locations
When Russell Stover first began manufacturing heart-shaped collections of chocolate bon bons, in the 1920s, the gift assortments quickly became the ne plus ultra of Valentine’s Day love offerings — for heterosexuals. In the more closeted days of the 20th century, it took a very brave man or woman to hand an elaborate box of frilly sweets to a same-sex valentine. “You could lose your job for doing something so brazen in the 1950s,” says a former schoolteacher. “You practically had to exchange valentines in the privacy of your own home with the doors locked and the curtains drawn.” It has been a long journey to giving over-the-top confections freely — at least around here. “I used to get a lot of those beautifully decorated candy boxes when I was younger,” says Camp publisher John Long. “But I was living in San Francisco then.”
You Are Out of My League and I’m Aware of That
Christopher Elbow Artisanal Chocolates
1819 McGee, 816-842-1300
Few things in life look pretty and taste good — it’s the culinary equivalent of the uncanny valley. The more beautiful a piece of chocolate, the more likely it is to taste bad. But Christopher Elbow breaks the mold, offering compact and exquisitely imagined flavors that are as intriguing as the colorful whirls painting each square of chocolate. His refusal to sacrifice taste for art is a symbol of hope — the hope, for instance, that your more attractive significant other is willing to be less shallow and find the same deep connection with you as with a rectangular gift box from Elbow’s shop.
