Special Election Edición

Dear Mexican:

Why won’t Mexicans vote for a black man?

Hillary Hater

Dear Readers:

Dozens of ustedes have sent the above question since the Iowa caucuses, forwarded mainstream media reports on this supposed phenomenon, and cringed with me when pundits took as gospel Hillary Clinton pollster Sergio Bendixen’s assertion to The New Yorker: “The Hispanic voters — and I want to say this very carefully — have not shown a lot of willingness or affinity to support black candidates.” So, to all parties who buy into the hype: callensen el osico. Shut up. Stop with the racial pendejadas and go tell your pols that sharing tacos with Mexicans for the news cameras is one step removed from blackface.

The negrito-hating Mexican voter meme floating around America these days is the biggest ball of political mierda since Tom Tancredo. It presupposes that Mexicans choose candidates based only on race, whether backing their own or opposing another. The funny part about this claim is reality: Mexicans largely ignored the presidential run of New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson. But they have supported black politicians, dating back to Vicente Guerrero (the mulatto Mexican president who outlawed slavery in 1829) and including big-city mayors such as Tom Bradley and Harold Washington and even Democratic Party presidential nominee Barack Obama in his various Illinois campaigns and his bid for the White House. Concluding that Mexicans won’t elect blacks because so far, they’ve mostly sided with Clinton instead of Obama during the primaries is a continuum fallacy as ridiculous as the Sorites paradox. In otras palabras: How many Mexican votes must Obama earn before people will stop insisting that Mexicans won’t vote for him because of his skin? Five? A thousand? All the banda in Texas? Heaven forbid Mexicans support a nationally known personality with whom they’re more familiar instead of a first-term senator from a flyover state. And anyone ever think that Mexicans are more inclined to vote for Clinton because they like her centrist policies more than Obama’s liberal promises? But try telling either of those points to gabachos, who forsake logical explanations for the easier rationale that Mexicans just don’t like negritos.

Are there Mexicans who won’t vote for Obama solely because he’s black? Absolutely — and they deserve deportation, just as anyone who refused to cast a ballot for Mitt Romney due to his Mormonism (rather than because the half-Mexican is a flip-flopping know-nothing) merits the damnation of Gehenna. If you need a better litmus test of potential Mexican love for Obama, refry this: If the man openly proclaimed support for amnesty instead of the qualified mumbo-jumbo he now offers, Clinton would be reduced to eating at famous taquerías for the wab vote — oops, too late!

As for The Mexican’s personal vote? Come November, I’ll be stumping for the same candidate I’ve supported these past 52 years: Mad Magazine icon Alfred E. Neuman. What, yo worry?

Dear Mexican:

Why the hell don’t Mexicans vote?

Mexican-Loving Gabacho Candidate

Dear Gabacho:

Consult above for the Sorites paradox. Learn to ask specific questions, lest The Mexican treat you like a Pikachu piñata. And submit a revised version of said pregunta — asking The Mexican why Mexican voter turnout is so low — in the fall.

The Mexican Invades YouTube!

The Mexican now offers ustedes an online-only question every week through the powers of a pirated camcorder. Submit your video preguntas and responses to you tube.com/askamexicano and find a link to the latest edition every week alongside my regular column at Pitch.com. Preference given to spicy señoritas!

Or, as always, submit your spicy questions at mexican@pitch.com. Letters will be edited for clarity, cabrones. And include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we’ll make one up for you!

Categories: News