Silly Firemen, Water’s for Fires

It made front-page news last week when a trio of KCK firefighters allegedly used a fire hydrant to fill a private swimming pool. Yeah, there’s a war going on, and this town has a wee problem with murders and sewage and such, but these guys may have stolen water!

After the big news broke, Wyandotte County’s Unified Government announced an investigation. Here at the Department of Burnt Ends, we have a pretty good idea of what they might uncover if they look for other thefts:

· When a “gentlemen’s club” needed water last July to create “the world’s biggest Jell-O wrestling vat,” firefighters used a tanker truck to fill the tub. One ladder-truck driver then agreed to serve as a “human spoon” to mix in the gelatin, causing his uniform to be permanently stained strawberry-kiwi.

· In January, a firefighter complained of stomach cramps from the assistant chief’s “four-alarm chipotle chili.” A dispatcher who mistook the exchange rang the alarm, summoning three other stations to respond. The firefighter, it turns out, was cured with a Zantac.

· Schoolchildren touring a station in March were allowed to don jackets and boots, causing undue wear to the protective clothing. Photos document one tyke even running across the firehouse yard while a Dalmatian tugged at his oversized drawers, causing small bite marks in department equipment.

· Firefighters have used an estimated $57.26 in gas responding to 14 “cat in a tree” calls so far this year. That amount is added to the incalculable cost of increasing the cliché that firefighters still rescue cats from trees.

· In another waste of water, firefighters on a mildly hot day in early June opened up two hydrants in Strawberry Hill to allow children to run through the spray. Department officials explain that such waste should occur only “when it’s over 90 degrees outside — or in a Spike Lee movie.”